Rob had been born blind so he had no idea that he had also been born ugly. Rob had been born one ugly baby and had grown into one ugly man.
But, Rob had been lied to his whole life. His parents always had told him he was the most beautiful baby in the world and who was he to argue with his parents?
His parents were rich and loved their baby Bobby so very very much. They felt terrible that he had been born blind, with his mother feeling extra guilty for all the extra wine coolers she had drunk all throughout the pregnancy. Barbara Paddycakes knew that drinking during pregnancy was dangerous for the fetus, still, she never considered wine coolers as drinking. Tequila was drinking. Vodka was drinking. Wine coolers are for lounging by the pool. Wine coolers are not drinking, Barbara laughed, patting her enormous stomach set at six months.
Now, Barbara, at her most regretful three a.m. guilt trips tips the bottle to her lips and knows, wine coolers are drinking; she has a blind two year old son to prove it.
So, she spent oodles of money to make up for treating her body like Spring Break the entire six and a half months she had been pregnant. She spent all this money on her son, Bobby. She wanted him to have the carefree life she never had.
First and foremost, she set forth instilling an overwhelming sense of confidence in her Bobby. No matter what mistake he would make, his mother would gush over his greatness.
“Way to put the cat in the dishwasher! Good boy! Just next time, don’t turn it on,” was the strictest tone Barbara ever took with her boy.
Rob Paddycakes parents paid handsomely to actors to fawn over their boy’s faux beauty.
“What a good looking young man!” one actor was paid $500 to say.
Another was paid $650 to walk by and say, “You must be so popular with all the girls!”
Rob wasn’t, but, he always blamed his blindness, not his beauty. He truly believed he was the most gorgeous man alive. So, it made sense for him to audition to be spokesmodel for Calvin Klein.
The brains behind Calvin Klein’s marketing team saw great potential in Rob. They knew they lived in a time when sick is cool, and irony reigns, so why not go with the blindest, ugliest spokesmodel they can find, trusting the public to get the joke. And just like that, they hired Rob, who went by the name, Bobby Paddycakes.
Bobby Paddycakes was a huge hit. Putting Rob in their underwear in various beefcake poses, having him flex his non existent muscles while about to step off the runway, or, a gangplank, people ate it up. Underwear sales went up. Bobby Paddycakes became a celebrity.
Of course, nobody had the heart to tell Rob that his celebrity was an ironic one. He believed that people found him good looking. He dated women who told him they were models, too. He believed them.
Nobody called him ugly to his face until he had a particularly bad breakup with Gretal Burchhousen, who, wanting to hurt him as much as he hurt her, told him, “And you are the ugliest male model ever and your fame will be all gone in one year, tops.”
Rob didn’t take her words seriously, dismissing them as the the ranting of a heartbroken woman.
But, when he heard it again from his next ex girlfriend, Candice, he wondered if there could be any truth to their accusations of his ugliness. So, he asked his best friend, Doug.
“Am I ugly?”
“I wouldn’t kiss you,” his best friend replied.
“Seriously. Tell me true. Is my ad campaign ironic? Am I ugly?”
“Who am I to judge another guy’s-”
“Just tell me, Doug! Am I ugly?”
“Physically, maybe, but not-”
“I’m ugly? What really? How’d that happen?”
“Blame your parents, I guess. ”
“They told me I was beautiful.”
“They lied.”
“And all those people! All those people who told me I was so good looking! What happened?”
“They lied, too.”
“Why would so many people lie to me like that? Why would Calvin Klein pay me so much money to be ugly?”
“It’s a very funny campaign. You should see it.”
“I can’t, I’m blind.”
“I meant, if you could see it, you’d understand why it’s so popular. It’s very funny.”
“They’re laughing at me!”
“What do you care? You’re rich.”
“I sold my soul!”
“No, just your ugly mug. Your soul’s fine.”
“So, I’m funny looking?”
“You’re hysterical. You should see yourself. In one you’re getting ready to go skydiving, but you strap your parachute on upside down, while talking about the importance of safety.”
“But, I look ugly in them?”
“Sorry, dude. But, that’s what makes them- you so funny. If you were good looking it wouldn’t work. Cause you’re so confident with your appearance and you do all the model like poses, but, you’re about to do something really dumb, it’s great.”
“They’re laughing at me.”
“Dude, you’re rich and famous, laugh back. You’re fine.”
“I’m ugly.”
“Beauty comes from within.”
“I’m ugly there, too. All I care about are my looks, my looks have been all I’ve cared about my entire life, and now it turns out, I’m ugly.”
“You’re lucky you’re ugly. It’s your ugliness that’s made you famous. Look at you now. Your ugliness has made you rich. Before you were just ugly and no one cared about you, and you had no options. Now, you’ve got all this, this house, cars, women, dude, you got it all, and it’s all because you are ugly. You should be thankful you are so very ugly.”
But, Rob didn’t see it that way and blamed his parents and even his great grandparents for giving him ugly genes.
He went back to work modeling, though, he had lost the strut and the swagger which killed the comedy. His next two ads bombed and Rob was replaced with a talking rabbit as Calvin Klein’s next spokesmodel.
cottonbombs 