The Book of Genesis: The Soap Opera! (Episode 13)

Announcer:  When we last left off  (Sept. 4)  Mr. Satan had offered to stay on full time as wet nurse. Adam had opposed the offer, while Eve liked the idea.

Mr. Satan:  So what’s it going to be? Deal, or no deal?

Eve:  I already said, ‘deal’.

Adam:  If you don’t mind, hon, I really don’t want to share the house with another man.

Mr. Satan:  Ok, can we get one thing clear: I am not a man. I am an angel. Ok, show some respect. Like, I didn’t spend seven years in angel school to be called a man, thanks.

Adam:  You think pretty highly of yourself, don’t you?

Mr. Satan:  You would, too, if you were me.

Adam:  Why do you want to stay with us? What’s in it for you?

Mr. Satan:  Satisfaction I get from my work. I gave up heaven for my work, most people work to get to heaven. I worked to get the hell out.

Adam:  Yeah, who does that?

Mr. Satan:  Don’t judge me, mortal. When you’re immortal, give me a call. See how you wanna spend your eternity, floating about heaven, doing the occasional magic show, bored to tears, or, playing sold out venues in hell and earth.

Eve:  What are sold out venues?

Mr. Satan:  You two are just the prototypes of a whack of people who are going to take over this earth and I want to be in on the ground floor, day one.

Eve:  See, Adam? He just wants to help.

Mr. Satan:  Yeah, look, I come bearing gifts. Adam, you really must try this fruit of life, it’s to never die for.

Eve:  It is delicious, Adam! And it’s so good for you! Eat one of these every day and you’ll never die! It’s not only delicious, it’s life saving!

Adam:  Sounds alright.

Mr. Satan:  Catch!  [Mr. Satan tosses Adam the fruit that Adam catches.]  Go ahead, take a bite.

Adam:  I want to wash it first.

Mr. Satan:  Are you saying I’m not clean? Good, I want to be as dirty as possible. Cleanliness is next to your father. Whatever grew from a clean floor? No, trees and flowers grow from the dirt.  [Adam wipes the purple fruit with the sleeve of his skins, then takes a bite.]  Well?

Adam:  [Talking with his mouthful]  You got more?

Mr. Satan:  I got orchards full.

[Enter God, wearing a perfectly tailored grey pinstriped suit. Following closely behind is a young woman with ample bosom, who has yet to be introduced.]

God:  Knock knock.

Adam:  Dad!

God:  I thought I’d surprise you and play the benevolent God today and bring you by a wet nurse. This is Cindy and she milks like a cow.

Cindy:  Hello, nice to meet you.

God:  Whatcha eating?

Adam:  Fruit.

God:  What kind of fruit?

Adam:  Mr. Satan gave it to me.

God:  Let me see.  [Adam hands God the half eaten fruit of life.]  You aren’t supposed to eat this.

Adam:  What? You never told me. You just said don’t eat the fruit of knowledge. You never said anything about not eating the fruit of life. Why do you make this stuff if you don’t want us to eat it? Like, who makes fruit for decoration? This is not a still life painting, Dad, this is real life, or haven’t you figured that out yet, too busy being all High and Almighty to lose sight of what’s going down around you.

God:  How dare you?  I came here to give you what you asked for, now I find you unappreciative and eating fruit you have no business tasting. Eat vegetables! There’s no vegetable of knowledge or no vegetable of life, point being eat more carrots! Now get out. I’m taking my place back.

Eve:  What are you talking about? This is our place, we have a contract signed through Mr. Satan as power of attorney.

God:  Did you read the contract?

Eve: I read the first sentence, it looked good to me. It was so thick, I thought it had to be air tight.

God:  Well, if you’d read it, you’d have seen the words: all of this is null and void for only God has the right to own land and property. Didn’t read that part?

Eve:  No.

God:  Tough titty for you. Get out, leave everything. And I’m keeping this half eaten fruit of life, too.

Adam:  Can he do that, Lucy? Lucy?  [Adam looks around and sees Mr. Satan has disappeared.]

God:  Lucy? Looks like you backed the wrong horse. Now, don’t make me go all Old Testament vengeful God on you; I’ll tell you one last time: get the heaven out of Eden.

Announcer:  Do Adam and Eve leave Eden for good? Or does God have to go all Old Testament on them? Stay tuned for the next installment of The Book of Genesis: The Soap Opera!

The Book of Genesis: The Soap Opera! (Episode 12)

Announcer:  When we last left off  (Aug 2)  Adam had gone up to God’s cottage to ask for a wet nurse for Eve. God had slammed the door in Adam’s face, as Adam challenged Him that he’d only worship Him if there was a wet nurse waiting for him back at home. Meanwhile, back at home in Adam and Eve’s open air mansion, Eve is nursing Abel, while Mr. Satan is nursing Cain.

Eve:  I can’t get over how you are able to breast feed like that. Adam said men aren’t able to breast feed.

Mr. Satan:  First of all, I am not a man, I am the Anti-Christ, and second of all, if a man really wanted to lactate, he could. Men might say they are jealous of women’s ability to give birth, but, they’re just saying that. Truth be known, no man really wants to go through all that, and you can blame your father-in-law for it all.

Eve:  Trust me, I do.

Mr. Satan:  This baby’s got a greedy gut. I mean he’s really sucking hard. My nipple feels like it’s about to pop off in his mouth.

Eve:  Just tickle under his chin and he’ll let go.

Mr. Satan:  It’s ok, I enjoy pain.

[Adam enters still wearing the skins God had made for him. He held the other set in his hands.]

Adam:  Hi. Did any wet nurse show up?

Eve:  No, except Lucy.

Mr. Satan:  [Still feeding baby Cain]  Hey.

Adam:  Hey. What are you doing? You’re feeding?

Mr. Satan:  It’s pretty simple. You just sit here and let the kid suck on your tit.

Adam:  But how are you able to produce milk?

Mr: Satan:  That’s pretty simple, too. I could show you right now, if you want.

Adam:  Not right now, I want to see my wife. Look! I brought you these clothes, they’re a gift from Dad.

Eve:  I wanted a wet nurse.

Adam:  You got one. Look, Lucy’s wet nursing right now.

Eve:  I don’t think your Father sent us Lucy.

Adam:  My Dad works in mysterious ways.

Eve:  Well, what are we going to do when Lucy leaves?

Adam:  We’ll figure it out. Here, try on your new outfit.

Eve:  You look like a gorilla in that thing. Your Father who art at the cottage made that for you?

Adam:  Yeah. Don’t you like it?

Eve:  I think he made that for you as a joke, or as a revenge. What do you think, Lucy?

Mr. Satan:  I’m the incarnation of evil, and even I wouldn’t be so cruel as to ever put you in a horror show like that outfit.

Adam:  I thought I looked good.

Mr. Satan:  If by good you mean good and ridiculous, then, yeah, you look good.

Eve:  Please, Adam, go and change, you’re frightening the children.

Adam:  What happened to your lip?

Eve:  I bit into a hamburger and missed.

Adam:  You seem to be doing that a lot lately.

Eve:  It’s because I’m so tired with raising two babies with no breaks. You try it.

Adam:  Baby, you know I can’t make milk.

Mr. Satan:  Here, let me show you.

Adam:  Shut up, Lucy.

Mr. Satan:  Did you just tell me to shut up?

Adam:  It slipped out, I’m sorry.

Mr. Satan:  Don’t be. I invented insubordination. Just for that I’m giving you a bonus. You want a wet nurse? I’ll be your wet nurse. I’ll stay here full time. I’ll take care of the babies, I’ll bake. You gotta try my devil’s food cake. It’s wickedly decadent. It tastes so good it’s a sin. Like, it tastes so good, you’re going to hell on a single bite, but you don’t care.

Adam:  I don’t think so.

Eve:  Deal.

Mr. Satan:  Which is it?

Announcer:  Yes, which is it? Tune in next time for another installment of The Book of Genesis: The Soap Opera!

The Book of Genesis: The Soap Opera! (Episode 11)

Announcer:  When we last left off (July 24) Adam was at the door of God’s cottage trying to convince his father to open the door and help him.

Adam:  Dad! Please, it’s too hard to talk to you through this door!

God:  You still haven’t told me your great mutually benefiting deal.

Adam:  Let me tell it to you face to face.

God:  You’ve got nothing, you’re bluffing, and you’re hoping you can look me in the eye and lie your way into getting what you want.

Adam:  I’ve got something, Dad.

God:  I’m waiting.

Adam:  I will raise my sons to worship you.

[God opens the cottage door, steps out on the deck dressed in Bermuda shorts and a lime green Hawaiian shirt, socks and sandals.]

God:  Of course you will.  [God hugs his son.]  Hey, I made you something.  [God reaches behind the door and presents Adam with presents.]

Adam:  Thank you. What are they?

God:  They’re garments of skin for you and Eve. Garments of skin are going to be all the rage this year, I’m telling you. So, I thought if you and Eve have to be dressed, you might as well be well dressed. Try it on. [Adam tries on one of the garments.]  No, that’s for ladies, the buttons are on the other side, see? Try the other one.  [Adam puts on the other garment of skin.]  Smart. Sleek. I’m not saying you’re my best work, but, you’re not my worst.

Adam:  What’s your worst?

God:  Well, it was you till you put that on, so, now, I guess I gotta go with cancer.

Adam:  Well, now that you like me more than cancer, father, how about getting a wet nurse for Eve? She is really suffering raising two kids with no support other than Lu- Mr. Satan who thankfully comes around to help with the kids.

God:  You shouldn’t let him near your kids. He will corrupt them.

Adam:  Well, if you gave us a wet nurse, then we wouldn’t have to rely on Mr. Satan so much.

God:  Ok, you’ll get your me-damn wet nurse.

Adam:  Thank you, father.

God:  I’ll let you lactate.

Adam:  We could really use another hand and another set of breasts.

God:  What’s wrong with the ones you’ve got right there? Here, I’ll turn your nipples into fountains of milk.

Adam:  This isn’t what I asked for. And I’m getting milk all over your nice garments of skin.

God:  I made them thick, they can take milk.

Adam:  Could you shut my nipples off, Dad? I’m drowning in milk here. My shirt is overflowing; I got milk coming out my collar.

God:  Alright, I’m just showing you how easy it could be to have all the milk you want.

Adam:  I’m good. I don’t drink a lot of milk, and I don’t think I’d ever drink milk that came out my own body.

God:  You spoiled brat, you’re so picky.

Adam:  Hey, who spoiled me?

God:  You’re blaming me for giving you paradise?

Adam:  Yeah, but at what price? Naked ignorance!

God:  You’re welcome! Now get out of here! I come up here to get away from stress!  [God walks back into his cabin and slams the door in Adam’s face.]

Adam:  Dad! Wait! I need you to hear me!

God:  Go away! I can’t hear you!

Adam:  If there’s a wet nurse waiting for me at home, I will raise the boys to worship you, if not, I’m going with the highest bidder! You hear that, old man?!

God:  No!

Announcer:  Did God hear any of it? Find out in the next installment of The Book of Genesis: The Soap Opera!

The Book of Genesis: The Soap Opera! (Episode 10)

Announcer:  When we last left off (July 19) Eve had delivered her twin boys, and Mr. Satan had kissed then bit Adam. We take you now to the open air mansion of Adam and Eve.

Eve:  Oh! This is exhausting! All these babies do is cry and wanna suck from my boobs. I need a break! I feel like a cow!

Adam:  I’m sorry, hon, but, I don’t seem to make milk flow from my nipples. If I could, you know I’d pitch in a breast.

Eve:  Maybe we can ask Mr. Satan for a daycare service with a wet nurse.

Adam:  Lucy can’t make people, only Dad can do that.

Eve:  Then maybe you could ask Our Father Who Art In Heaven.

Adam:  Actually, I think He’s at the cottage, fishing.

Eve:  Well, maybe you could go talk to Him.

Adam:  I think He’s pretty pissed with us, hon. I’d be surprised if He’d even hear our prayers.

Eve:  Can’t hurt to try.

Adam:  Sure it could. Dad’s capable of anything. I saw Him strike down a mouse running across the kitchen floor with lightning; I use a mousetrap, Dad uses lightning.

Eve:  If not for me, for the boys. They need their mother better rested.

Adam:  Ok, but, if I come back in ashes, it’s your fault.

Eve:  I’ll sprinkle them somewhere you loved, like on the head of a brontosaurus.

Adam:  I’d rather not get hit by lightning at all.

Eve:  You won’t. Here, I made your Father a fruit of knowledge pie, his favorite. Take it, it’ll butter Him up.

[Adam exits with the pie. Mr. Satan, who had been listening in the other room, appears.]

Mr. Satan:  I got something better than that.

Eve:  Oh! You scared me! Do you make it a habit to hide out in other people’s apartments?

Mr. Satan:  Actually, this is my apartment, read your contract.

Eve:  It’s too long.

Mr. Satan:  Here, I got something for you.

Eve:  What’s that?

Mr. Satan:  It’s the fruit of eternal life, it’s wickedly delicious. Wanna try?

Eve:  Sure. I’ll live forever?

Mr. Satan:  If you keep eating them. You know what they say, ‘An apple a day keeps the doctor away but a fruit of eternal life a day keeps God away.’

Eve:  Yeah, who’s they?

Mr. Satan:  They, them, those who are coming later, don’t worry about them, you wanna live forever or what?

Eve:  I guess so.

Mr. Satan:  Then come over here and get your just desserts.

[Eve approaches to get the fruit, when Mr. Satan leans in for a kiss. Eve, desperate, kisses back. Mr. Satan bites her.]

Eve:  Ow! Stop doing that! I won’t kiss you again if you keeping biting me!

Mr. Satan:  It’s my signature move.

Eve:  It hurts!

Mr. Satan:  You’re welcome.

[Cut to the door of God’s cottage, on the upper west side of Eden, on an emerald green river. Adam hesitates before knocking. The shuffle of feet, then the voice of God on the other side of the door.]

God:  Who is it?

Adam:  It’s your son, Adam.

God:  I have no son.

Adam:  Yeah you do. You made me first, remember?

God:  My first son was no more than a failed science experiment.

Adam:  I’m a work in progress, Pop, you gotta give me another chance. Listen, I brought you a pie.

God:  What kind?

Adam:  Fruit of knowledge, it’s your favorite.

God:  Blueberry’s my favorite. You don’t even know The Lord, Your God and Father’s favorite pie? Fruit of knowledge tastes like nothing to me, no flavor, cause I already know everything. Thanks for nothing.

Adam:  I’m at least trying here, Father. I’m here trying to mend fences.

God:  What do you want?

Adam:  I want a wet nurse.

God:  You sick pervert.

Adam:  It’s for Eve.

God:  What do I get out of it?

Adam:  I’d be indebted to you.

God:  You already are, you ungrateful son of a God! Get out of here before I get angry and get the river to rise and drown you.

Adam:  Wait! Father! I have a way that is mutually beneficial.

God:  I’m listening.

Announcer:  What is Adam’s proposal? And will God accept it? Find out in the next episode of The Book of Genesis: The Soap Opera!

The Book of Genesis: The Soap Opera! (Episode 9)

Announcer:  When we last left off, (June 26) Eve had just signed her children over to Mr. Satan, in the midst of giving birth to them.

Mr. Satan:  Push, Eve, push harder.

Adam:  No, pull, Eve! Pull! Wait! Don’t let him touch them first!

Eve:  This is your fault! You’re the one who ratted me out to your father!

Mr. Satan:  Eve. We need you to focus. Push.

Adam:  Pull! Eve, pull!

Eve:  I’m not pulling! Are you crazy! I need these out of me!

Mr. Satan:  [Delivering the baby]  It’s a boy!

Adam:  [Pointing at the umbilical cord.]  Looks like you’re stuck with him forever, hon.

Mr. Satan:  [Cutting cord, offering the baby to Adam]  Remember, finders keepers and I touched him first.

Adam:  Well, then, you keep him, cause, I’m touching the next one first.

Mr. Satan:  Take the baby back, I’m getting the next one, too. Come on, take him. I’ll drop him.

Adam:  Ok, one big push now, hon.

Eve:  I’m going to push you off a cliff, I swear to your father!

[Adam helps Eve deliver their second son, while Mr. Satan stands holding their first.]

Adam:  What do you want to name our sons, love?

Eve:  Look, just shut up for a while, I just delivered twins, I wish I was able.

Adam:  Abel! Yes, our son here shall be Abel!

Mr. Satan:  [Rocking the baby in his arms.]  I’m calling this baby, Satan Junior.

Adam:  Like hell!

Mr. Satan:  Exactly like it. Dead on. Just like hell.

Adam:  Honey, get up, I need your help naming the kid. You don’t want your kid growing up called, Satan Junior, do you?

Eve:  I can’t stand without a cane.

Adam:  You wanna call him, Cain?

Eve:  I don’t care, I need pills, ask Lucy Loo for some more pills.

Adam:  I kinda got in to a fight with him over baby Abel.

Eve:  Just get the damn pills!

Mr. Satan:  I heard, and I’ll give you the pills on condition you let me play with your children.

Eve:  Play, dance, write poetry, yoga with them all you like, just give me pills!

Mr. Satan:  Here.  [Mr. Satan feeds Eve a pill.]

Adam:  How about me? Can I get some pills, please?

Mr. Satan:  Kiss me.

Adam:  Excuse me?

Mr. Satan:  You want some pills, kiss me. One pill one kiss. French kissing gets you two pills at a time.

Adam:  Maybe there’s another form of payment, debit, or…?

Mr. Satan:  Nope, today, I accept kisses only.

Adam:  [Looks to Eve, passed out.]  Ok, but don’t tell Eve.

Mr. Satan:  It’ll be our little secret. Come here, big boy.

Adam:  How many pills I get if I french kiss you five seconds?

Mr. Satan: Five.

Adam:  Ok, let’s do this.  [They kiss. Adam pulls away, touching his lower lip.]  Ouch! What the hell! You bit me!

Eve:  [Opening her eyes at the sound of Adam’s cry.]  What happened?

Adam:  Nothing.

Eve:  Your lip is bleeding.

Adam:  No it’s not, it’s ketchup.

Mr. Satan:  I’m going to make some cocktails.

Eve:  You kissed Lucy.

Adam:  How could you know? You were passed out.

Eve:  It’s written all over your face.

Adam:  It’s written all over yours.

Eve:  You say that’s ketchup?

Adam:  Yeah, it’s ketchup.

Eve:  I believe you.

Adam:  I believe you believe me.

Mr. Satan:  [Handing them highball glasses]  Cheers to believing in each other.

Adam:  [Looking away from Eve]  Cheers.

Eve:  [Looking away from Adam]  Cheers.

Announcer:  Do they continue to choose to believe in something they know is a lie, or do they choose to speak the truth? Tune in for another episode of The Book of Genesis: The Soap Opera!

The Book of Genesis: The Soap Opera! (Episode 8)

Announcer:  When we last left off, (June 6) Mr. Satan, had kissed Eve, and proposed to be her children’s devilfather. We pick up where we left off, in the office of Mr. Satan, CEO of Eden Inc.

Eve:  If I make you devilfather, I want a contract, something that says you will continue to provide for my children no matter what happens to me.

Mr. Satan:  Sounds like fun. I’ll make it out in triplicate so we can have the joy of signing it three times.

Eve:  I don’t want any loopholes, like you giving us healthcare, but we have to pay for the medicine.

Mr. Satan:  Triplicate’s air-tight, baby. And each new contract comes with its own piggybank made out of real live pigs.

[Enter Adam]

Adam:  I just rode a dinosaur!

Mr. Satan:  You’re the man. You’re so the man, there’s no other man to challenge you as the man.

Adam:  That’s the coolest thing I’ve ever done!

Eve:  Cooler than getting me pregnant?

Adam:  Way cooler, hon. Riding down the back of that brontosaurus was unreal. Riding down your back was… I can’t believe I rode a dinosaur! Hey! What happened to your lip?

Eve:  What lip?

Adam:  Your lower lip, it’s all swollen. Did you get botox injections?

Eve:  No, I bit it.

Adam:  Why’d you bite your lip?

Eve:  I was nervous about you riding that dinosaur. Don’t do that again, you practically made me chew my face off.

Adam:  Oh, hon, looks like you need more of Lucy’s little heaven in a pill.

Eve:  Yeah, can I have another?

Mr. Satan:  Catch.  [Mr. Satan tosses a fresh pill right into Eve’s open mouth.]

Adam:  How bout one over here?

Mr. Satan:  You still haven’t paid for the last ones.

Adam:  What do I owe you?

Mr. Satan:  I’ll tell you later, I’m just reminding you. Here.  [Mr. Satan throws a pill straight into Adam’s mouth.]  Go to heaven.

[Enter God.]

God:  I came back for my stapler.

Mr. Satan:  You knock! You don’t have the right to just march in any time you want! This is my office now!

God:  Yeah, but, it’s my stapler and I really need it. I’m finishing the stars. There’s still a lot of blackholes I’ve got to fill in and I’m out of glue.

Mr. Satan:  Here!  [Mr. Satan throws the stapler at God. God deftly dodges to avoid the stapler.]

God:  You broke it!

Mr. Satan:  Suck on it! Get out of here! You wanna show up here? Next time, make an appointment!

Eve:  My water broke!

Adam:  Jeez, Eve, look what you did to the carpet! That’s pure unicorn!

Eve:  The babies are coming!

Adam:  Babies? How many you got in there?

Eve:  I think we’re about to find out!

[Eve lies down. Adam circles around her, nervously.]

Adam:  Help her, dad!

God:  I’ve got to fix my stapler.  [God turns his back on his son, playing with his broken stapler.]

Adam:  Lucy, any ideas?

Mr. Satan:  When in doubt, take more pills, that’s my motto.

Eve:  Please! The pain!

God:  It didn’t have to hurt, but you made a deal with the devil, so, enjoy childbirth.  [Exit God.]

Mr. Satan:  Here, let Mr. Sunshine take all the bad pain away.  [Mr. Satan gives Eve a pill.]

Eve:  Wow! That’s amazing! Childbirth just went from excruciating to exhilarating!

Mr. Satan:  I think I see a head.

Eve:  I think I see a dragon.

Mr. Satan:  You want me to get your babies?

Eve:  If you don’t mind. I’m too busy chasing dragons away.

Mr. Satan:  Before I get to work, sign here.  [Mr. Satan hands Eve a contract and a pen. Eve scribbles her signature.]  And here. And here . [Mr. Satan waits for Eve to finish signing before starting with the delivery.]  Ok, babies, come to your devilfather.

Adam:  Devilfather? What do you mean by that?

Mr. Satan:  Read the contract. It says so very clearly: with babies it is a case of finders keepers losers weepers. I was the first to see his head, by rights, this child is mine.

Adam:  Oh, hell on earth, Eve, what have you done?

Announcer:  Yes, what the hell on earth has Eve done? And how will her children take to their devilfather? Find out in the next episode of The Book of Genesis: The Soap Opera!

The Book of Genesis: The Soap Opera (Episode 7)

Announcer:  When we last left off, (June 2) Adam was asking Mr. Satan for the pill that had made Eve see the future.

Mr. Satan:  Don’t forget, you owe me for this, right?

Adam:  What will I owe?

Mr. Satan:  Two favors, and an hour of your day every day for the rest of your life. And a little after.

Adam:  That’s it? Just an hour? Dad had me on the clock 24-7.

Eve:  Pay the man, dear. I have never felt like this. This is even better than the fruit.

Adam:  Ok, deal. Do I get the pills?

Mr. Satan:  Sign here, first.

Adam:  [After signing, then taking the pills in the same hand that had signed the contract,]  Thank you, Mr. Satan.

Mr. Satan:  Lucy! Please, Adam, ‘Mr.’ is so formal, call me, Lucy!

Adam:  It’s just that I’ve always been so formal with my father that it’s kind of ingrained.

Mr. Satan:  You’ll see things go more smoothly when you loosen up, and relax. This company will not be run on formalities, but fun. We’re an amusement park, for your father’s sake, let’s damn well act like one!

Adam:  [After swallowing pills]  I feel like every hair on my body has mastered the art of massage and are showing it off to me, while my mind plays the harps of angels.

Mr. Satan:  What would you say to riding down the back of a brontosaurus?

Adam:  I’d say, yes please!

Mr. Satan:  Go over there, I got something for you, something you’re never going to forget.

Adam:  Thanks, Lucy!  [Adam runs off to find his dinosaur.]

Mr. Satan:  Eve, come and kiss me.

Eve:  I would but my feet are rooted in the floor and there’s a tree growing out of me.

Mr. Satan:  That’s just the pills talking. Come here and kiss me.

Eve:  But, what about Adam?

Mr. Satan:  Forget about Adam, Adam’s properly medicated, sliding down the spine of a brontosaurus, Adam’s fine.  [Mr. Satan approaches the heavily drugged Eve.]  Come on, stick your tongue in my mouth, I want to teach you a new language, it’s called, ‘Frenching’.

Eve:  Why?

Mr. Satan:  Everything oral’s going to be French: whining, dining, kissing, all a French art.

Eve:  [Leaning towards Mr. Satan]  Why does that sound so appealing?

Mr. Satan:  Because you know that I am the forbidden fruit and I’m delicious.  [They kiss, passionately, until Eve breaks away.]

Eve:  Ow! You bit me!

Mr. Satan:  Now we share a secret. That bite mark is the mark of our secret covenant.

Eve:  It was painful, but I liked it, but you can never do it again.  [Eve slaps Mr. Satan.]

Mr. Satan:  I understand perfectly.

Eve:  You do? Cause, I don’t even think I do.

Mr. Satan:  [Getting on one knee.]  Marry me, Eve. Be my wife.

Eve:  But, I’m already married. To Adam. And my career. Soon I’m going to be a mom.

Mr. Satan:  Exactly, and I can take care of you better than that troglodyte you call your husband. Look at him, he’s sliding down the back of a dinosaur, with no regard that the brontosaurus could turn and squish him at any time. Or a terradactyl could swoop down and eat him. I’m the better bet for those babies.

Eve:  But, I was made for Adam. I was made from Adam.

Mr. Satan:  I’m not saying you have to leave Adam, I’m just saying let me take care of you and be a provider for your children.

Eve:  You want to be the godfather?

Mr. Satan:  Let’s not use such foul language as that. Call me, ‘devilfather’.

Eve:  What’s in it for me?

Mr. Satan:  Great pills and great sex. And the security of knowing your boys will be provided for.

Eve:  How do you know they’ll be boys?

Mr. Satan:  I know, I know a lot of things. You should trust me, Eve. I can do so very much for you.

Announcer:  Does Eve make Mr. Satan the devilfather to her children? Tune in next time for another episode of The Book of Genesis: The Soap Opera!

The Book of Genesis: The Soap Opera (Episode 6)

Announcer:  When we last left off, (May 25) Adam was just about to sign The Garden of Eden over to Mr. Satan, causing God to threaten Armageddon.

Adam:  Don’t take it personally, Dad, but, I’m going with Mr. Satan.  [Adam signs the contract.]

God:  You’ve made a fatal mistake, son. The Garden will never be the same.

Mr. Satan:  Yeah, it’s called progress, buddy.

God:  [Lifting his arms above his head]  You shouldn’t have done that! You’ve driven me to punish you!

Adam:  Dad, I’m your only son!

God:  I’ll have other sons, trust me.  [Sparks of lightning start to radiate from God’s hands. Adam and Eve fall to the ground in prayer. Mr. Satan leans back in his chair, lights a cigar.]

Mr. Satan:  It’s too late, it’s a done deal and so are you.

God:  I’m right here! Don’t make me prove myself to you, cause, it’s a hell of a show!

Mr. Satan:  Now you’re starting to talk like me!

God:  No, you talk like me, you ungrateful son of a… wait, I made you… Don’t you know I made you to prove my existence? They were supposed to get one look at you, see you as evil, and come running back to me, knowing what I protect them from, what happened? You chose the wrong side, you fools!

Eve:  I’m not a fool, not since eating the fruit. But, that’s what you wanted, you wanted us to be fools, so we could be your naked clowns, you could keep staring at naked, watching us walk around in your underdeveloped garden, doing nothing except providing you with cheap peep show entertainment.

God:  You don’t understand.

Eve:  No, you don’t understand. You’re fired, we’ve moved on. We have new representation, a new CEO, a whole new direction for the company. And I’m pregnant. You don’t want to mess with me, cause I can close deals, run a company and make people all at the same time. Your time is up.

God:  [Lowering his head and hands. The sparks extinguish to breaths of smoke.]  You will miss me.

Eve:  [Pointing to the door.]  Not today.

God:  You watch, your children will be just like you.  [God exits, pouting.]

Eve:  [Calling after God.]  Good! I like me! Oh! I felt a kick!

Adam:  Dad kicked you?!

Eve:  No, the baby! Oh come, feel!  [Adam puts his hand on Eve’s head.] No, here. [Eve places Adam’s hand on her belly.]  Oh! Feel that?

Adam:  Yes!

Eve:  And that? And, oh! ouch!

Adam: He’s really kicking, are you alright?

Eve:  [Doubles over from the pain.]  I think he’s got a brother. [Adam catches Eve before she falls.]

Mr. Satan:  I got something to make that pain go away.  [Mr. Satan sits with his feet up on his desk, waving a jar of pills.]

Eve:  What are they?

Mr. Satan:  Pain-killers. Here, take five. You’ll see the pain go away.

Eve:  [After taking the handful of pills]  I can see the future.

Adam:  What do you see?

Eve:  Rain. A lot of rain.

Mr. Satan:  Don’t worry about paying now, I’ll catch you later.

Adam:  I thought we got healthcare covered.

Mr. Satan:  You do. But, read the fine print, healthcare does not include medication.

Adam:  How do you feel, honey?

Eve:  I feel I’m in heaven.

Adam:  Excuse me, Mr. Satan.

Mr. Satan:  Call me Lucy.

Adam:  Lucy. Can I get some of whatever Eve had?

Mr. Satan:  Sure, but, it’ll cost you.

Announcer:  What price will be paid for Adam’s prescription? Tune in next time for, Book of Genesis: The Soap Opera!

Book of Genesis: The Soap Opera (Episode 5)

Announcer:  When we last left off, (May 14) Adam and Eve had challenged God to one last pitch to get them to sign with him and turn down Mr. Satan’s proposal to turn the Garden of Eden into Mr. Satan’s Funland.

Adam:  Well, Dad, any last words?

God:  I told you, I’ll give you heaven, the greatest paradise there is.

Eve:  Sure, after we die, what have you done for us lately?

God:  You have to go through this world and suffer here, so you can truly enjoy heaven. It’s like how no one will appreciate a warm sunny day more than a Canadian, cause they will remember how cold the winter is. Heaven’s like that: you keep your memories of this world, so you can better love the next.

Eve:  Can you put that in writing?

God:  I’m God, my word is divine.

Eve:  Yeah, but our lawyer likes every thing written down.

God:  Lawyer? You’ve got Satan as your attorney? Don’t you know the devil’s in the details!

Mr. Satan:  And what are you? Next to cleanliness? You’re clean, big deal. I’m everywhere. And they know they’re going to enjoy this Ride Called Life a hell of a lot more if they take it with me. So, why don’t you fly out the window like you came. Maybe you can rescue a cat in the tree or something.

God:  Son, think of the family.

Adam:  Dad.

Eve:  Adam, I’m pregnant.

Adam:  Sweetheart!  [Adam throws his arms around Eve, attacking her with kisses.]

Eve:  We should think of the baby and get the best we can for right now. Let’s worry about the afterlife when we get there.

Adam:  Ok. Dad, I am going to think of the family, my family, my wife and kid. I’m sorry, but, I’m signing with Mr. Satan. Do we get healthcare covered?

Mr. Satan:  Full benefits for you, your wife and children.

Adam:  Yeah, see you can’t beat that. You’re all about death and later, but, I can’t think like that if I’m going to be thinking about my family.

God:  Son, I am your family.

Adam:  I love you, Dad. But, you can take care of yourself. My wife and unborn child need me.

God:  You’re breaking rule one of the Commandments!

Adam:  What are the Commandments? You can’t just make up rules as you go.

God:  I’ve really got to write this stuff down if I’m going to compete with lawyers and contracts.

Adam:  It’s probably a good idea, Dad. Excuse me as I sign this.

[Adam bends to sign Mr. Satan’s contract.]

God:  NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

[God’s scream is so loud it shatters the pen Adam was using. Mr. Satan smiles, bemused by God’s desperation, hands Adam a fresh pen.]

Mr. Satan:  Cute. Go on, Adam, sign before the shit storm hits the fan.

Adam:  You wouldn’t do that, would you, Dad?

God:  I swear to me, don’t tempt me.

Announcer:  Will Adam sign, therefore getting God to shower the world in a rain of fire? Tune in next time for another episode of Book of Genesis: The Soap Opera!

Book of Genesis: The Soap Opera (Episode 4)

Announcer: When we last left off, (May 11) Mr. Satan had offered Adam and Eve a contract that would transform the Garden of Eden into an amusement park.

Mr. Satan: Go on, sign it.

Adam: I’m not sure. What’s it say, exactly?

Mr. Satan: It says that you agree to hand over all control to the board, and the board will then have the power to erect Mr. Satan’s Fun Park, and the Hotel Hell on Earth. The park is going to put Eden on the map.

Adam: What map? We are the only two people here, we are the map.

Eve: Yes, who exactly are you hoping to attract to this fun park?

Mr. Satan: Why, you. The both of you. Of course, you’ll be the customers. You’ll have the whole park to yourselves, you’ll think you’ve died and gone to heaven.

Adam: I’m not sure.

Mr. Satan: Wait till you’ve ridden the rides.

Eve: What rides?

Mr. Satan: Oh, a whole bunch. You’ll love It’s a Small Hell After All, and, our Haunted Mansion will scare the bejesus out of you.

Eve: Maybe I don’t want the bejesus scared out of me.

Mr. Satan: Then there’s Goofy’s Playhouse, or the petting zoo.

Eve: Hell has a petting zoo?

Mr. Satan: Sure we do, but we can’t guarantee that the animals won’t pet back. Or even, bite or attack.

Eve: That sounds terrifying.

Mr. Satan: Depends what you choose to pet. I’d say stay away from the tyrannosaurus chicken.

Adam: There’s dinosaurs?

Mr. Adam: That got your attention.

Adam: Where do I sign?

[God flies through the window in a superman costume.]

God: Wait, son!

Adam: Dad!

God: You don’t want to sign that till you hear my counter-offer.

Mr. Satan: You’re no match for me, you holier-than-thou bastard. Your father is a bastard, Adam. I mean, were his parents married when they had him? He didn’t even have parents!

God: Exactly, I made myself. I’m a self-made god.

Mr. Satan: Right, you’re literally full of yourself. Be suspicious of doing business with someone so self-centered.

God: I had to make myself, so I could make everybody else. I even made you, Satan.

Mr. Satan: See how he takes credit for making me? And he doesn’t even like me, means he’s imperfect. If he can make things that he doesn’t like, then he’s prone to making mistakes. And remember, I’ve got dinosaurs.

Adam: He’s got dinosaurs, dad.

God: I already had dinosaurs! I made dinosaurs!

Adam: Yeah, a million years ago. I want them now.

God: They’d eat you! I had to keep you separated from the dinosaurs!

Adam: I want dinosaurs.

God: Careful what you wish for, son.

Eve: What can you give us? What’s your counter-offer?

God: Heaven. Boom! There it is: Heaven.

Eve: When? Now, or after I die?

God: Well, after, of course.

Eve: Well, I want it now.

Adam: And I want dinosaurs, dad.

God: No you don’t. You just think you do.

Adam: That’s the dumbest counter argument I’ve ever heard. Yes, I think I do, cause I do. I know what I want and need and I want it now, why should I have to wait?

Mr. Satan: I got a team of zoologists waiting to go. You just sign on that line and we’ll have you petting a tyrannosaurus chicken in no time.

Adam: Got any last offers, dad?

Announcer: Does God make one last play to protect His interests? Or, does Mr. Satan follow through with turning the Garden of Eden into Mr. Satan’s Playland? Tune in next time for another episode of Book of Genesis: The Soap Opera!