Announcer: When we last left off (Sept. 4) Mr. Satan had offered to stay on full time as wet nurse. Adam had opposed the offer, while Eve liked the idea.
Mr. Satan: So what’s it going to be? Deal, or no deal?
Eve: I already said, ‘deal’.
Adam: If you don’t mind, hon, I really don’t want to share the house with another man.
Mr. Satan: Ok, can we get one thing clear: I am not a man. I am an angel. Ok, show some respect. Like, I didn’t spend seven years in angel school to be called a man, thanks.
Adam: You think pretty highly of yourself, don’t you?
Mr. Satan: You would, too, if you were me.
Adam: Why do you want to stay with us? What’s in it for you?
Mr. Satan: Satisfaction I get from my work. I gave up heaven for my work, most people work to get to heaven. I worked to get the hell out.
Adam: Yeah, who does that?
Mr. Satan: Don’t judge me, mortal. When you’re immortal, give me a call. See how you wanna spend your eternity, floating about heaven, doing the occasional magic show, bored to tears, or, playing sold out venues in hell and earth.
Eve: What are sold out venues?
Mr. Satan: You two are just the prototypes of a whack of people who are going to take over this earth and I want to be in on the ground floor, day one.
Eve: See, Adam? He just wants to help.
Mr. Satan: Yeah, look, I come bearing gifts. Adam, you really must try this fruit of life, it’s to never die for.
Eve: It is delicious, Adam! And it’s so good for you! Eat one of these every day and you’ll never die! It’s not only delicious, it’s life saving!
Adam: Sounds alright.
Mr. Satan: Catch! [Mr. Satan tosses Adam the fruit that Adam catches.] Go ahead, take a bite.
Adam: I want to wash it first.
Mr. Satan: Are you saying I’m not clean? Good, I want to be as dirty as possible. Cleanliness is next to your father. Whatever grew from a clean floor? No, trees and flowers grow from the dirt. [Adam wipes the purple fruit with the sleeve of his skins, then takes a bite.] Well?
Adam: [Talking with his mouthful] You got more?
Mr. Satan: I got orchards full.
[Enter God, wearing a perfectly tailored grey pinstriped suit. Following closely behind is a young woman with ample bosom, who has yet to be introduced.]
God: Knock knock.
God: I thought I’d surprise you and play the benevolent God today and bring you by a wet nurse. This is Cindy and she milks like a cow.
Cindy: Hello, nice to meet you.
God: Whatcha eating?
God: What kind of fruit?
Adam: Mr. Satan gave it to me.
God: Let me see. [Adam hands God the half eaten fruit of life.] You aren’t supposed to eat this.
Adam: What? You never told me. You just said don’t eat the fruit of knowledge. You never said anything about not eating the fruit of life. Why do you make this stuff if you don’t want us to eat it? Like, who makes fruit for decoration? This is not a still life painting, Dad, this is real life, or haven’t you figured that out yet, too busy being all High and Almighty to lose sight of what’s going down around you.
God: How dare you? I came here to give you what you asked for, now I find you unappreciative and eating fruit you have no business tasting. Eat vegetables! There’s no vegetable of knowledge or no vegetable of life, point being eat more carrots! Now get out. I’m taking my place back.
Eve: What are you talking about? This is our place, we have a contract signed through Mr. Satan as power of attorney.
God: Did you read the contract?
Eve: I read the first sentence, it looked good to me. It was so thick, I thought it had to be air tight.
God: Well, if you’d read it, you’d have seen the words: all of this is null and void for only God has the right to own land and property. Didn’t read that part?
God: Tough titty for you. Get out, leave everything. And I’m keeping this half eaten fruit of life, too.
Adam: Can he do that, Lucy? Lucy? [Adam looks around and sees Mr. Satan has disappeared.]
God: Lucy? Looks like you backed the wrong horse. Now, don’t make me go all Old Testament vengeful God on you; I’ll tell you one last time: get the heaven out of Eden.
Announcer: Do Adam and Eve leave Eden for good? Or does God have to go all Old Testament on them? Stay tuned for the next installment of The Book of Genesis: The Soap Opera!