Category Archives: Uncategorized

Evolution of the Geek

Being a bit of a geek took a bit of work

back in my day

(I find myself referring to a day I never had)

back then it meant knowing the capitals of all fifty states

now it simply means having watched an entire season

of Game of Thrones

in a single day.

 

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Reflections On Top Of The Mountain

Fear is not a snake, it’s a shadow in the mind’s eye.

We can’t choose everything that happens, but we can decide how to deal with them after they hiss at us. I chose to fight my way to the top of this mountain, what did fear give me? Nothing but an increased heart rate and jumpy fingers. Fear wanted me to give up half way and go home defeated by shadows.

Snakes are real, God knows, He made them, but, so are my eyes and reflexes. So, it was only fear, not the serpents in the trees that brought cowardice to my knees.

And now I sit here, looking over this canopy of jungle, eyes lush with emerald leaves, I must remember those same slithering shadows wait for me on the way down.

The Gay Agenda

Today is the Gay Pride parade in Toronto. It’s also Canada Day. There is no parade for Canada in Toronto. If a foreigner was to get off a plane today knowing it was Canada Day, and they were to go downtown, they would think Canada celebrates its birthday by being the gayest country in the world. You go to the United States on July 4th, and every town has a parade with marching bands, veterans, firemen. There are firemen in the Gay Pride parade, but, they’re mostly naked.

Today if you were to walk down my street naked, the police would stop you and say, “What are you doing walking down the street naked alone? Get in the parade and walk past a million cheering people, or I’ll give you a ticket for exposing yourself in public!”

I’ve written before how flattered I get when people think I’m gay. I’m not gay, but, I wish I were. I think it would make me more interesting. Probably get me to clean up my apartment and start wearing matching socks. I know being gay is not a choice, cause I choose to be gay, but, it still doesn’t make me want to make out with a dude. Being gay is like a talent, you’re either born with it, or you’re not.

I respect the gay community and how far they’ve come in such a short time. Let’s go over the time line:

1968:  Trudeau declares:  ‘The government has no business in the bedrooms of the nation’, making homosexuality sexually legal.

1970s:  Being gay is no longer classified as a psychological disease.

1980s:  First Gay Pride Parade in Toronto.

2000s:  Same sex marriage becomes legal.

The gay community has gone from committing the sex crimes of the criminally insane, to full legal status in less than 40 years. With that kind of progress, what’s next? In forty more years all new Canadians will have to try homosexuality once in order to get into the country.

“I’m sorry, but, according to our records you haven’t even tried kissing another man. Citizenship denied. Go back to your country, kiss a guy, then you can try again.”

Then, one day, it will be illegal to be straight. All remaining straight people will be forced into straight labor camps where they will be tortured if they show any heterosexual tendencies. This would make a great movie. The trailer for the movie would go:

In a world manipulated by the All Powerful Gay Agenda, where being straight is a crime punishable death, two lovers risk everything to fall in love.

“I love you Billy.”

“I love you, Sally, but they’ll kill us if they hear us.”

“Why must our love be a crime? If it’s a crime to love you, then, I am guilty.”

Foxlight Pictures brings you a film that will make you gay if you don’t see it.

Planet of the Gays, taking over a cinema near you.

Diminishing Prophets

Have you ever met your idol? Think right now of the one person you most want to meet in the history of the universe. Jesus, Buddha, Einstein, who would it be for you?

I met that person. I was eleven years old.

I worship baseball.

Those words mean so much to me, I need to give them their own paragraph. This baptism of baseball goes back to the age of four when I joined my first cult disguised as my t-ball team. I was an ambitious little tyke. My first question to my coach: “When do I get my trophy?” Turns out we had to play the entire season before we’d get our trophy. We did get our trophy, but no thanks to me. I mostly spent my time sitting in left field with my glove on my head and my hat in my hand watching fly balls fly all around the outfield thinking, ‘Somebody better go get that.’

I watched my first World Series in 1981, the most classic of all matchups: Yankees versus Dodgers. I remember I cheered for the Dodgers after my mom told me that the Yankees usually win. Even at the age of six, I knew the Yankees were evil.

But by 1983, I had found my own team: The California Angels. I liked their players: Rod Carew and Reggie Jackson, but my favorite was, Doug DeCinces, The Angels third baseman. Sitting here, twenty-five years later and I still can’t define what attracted Doug DeCinces as my favorite player. I mean, Rod Carew and Reggie Jackson are both today in the Hall of Fame. I think today, Doug DeCinces is in sales somewhere in southern California.

But, when I met him that July night in 1986 in California, and I told him, “You are my all-time favorite player,” I have said, ‘I love you’ to girlfriends that have meant less.

Two years later and Doug DeCinces was out of baseball and it was time to find a new favorite player. That’s what I learned, after meeting your idol, you start looking around for the next one. I’m five favorite players down the line now since Doug, but you never forget your first.

It Ain’t Easy Being White

I am in the only field where being a white male is a disadvantage: comedian. For any other job it doesn’t hurt to be white: President, Pope, serial killer, it’s all advantageous to be white, but not comedian. If you’re Latino or Latina, you’ve got your Spanish shit, and if you’re black, you can say nigger and not get booed. See? Exactly. But, if you have to be a white male, it’s best to be Jewish. Me? I’m not Jewish, I’m not black, I’m not Latino, I’m not even Chinese! I’m a… get ready for it, cause it’s a mouthful: I’m a White Anglo Saxon Protestant. Like, my ethnicity is so nondescript it takes four words to describe what any other ethnicity can do in one. Navajo. Done. Gotcha. Quebecois. Sure. Good for you. Tres bien. What are you? Brazilian? Does it bother you your nationality is synonymous with a bikini wax? And what are you? Liechtensteiner? Did you just make that up? And you’re Bhutanese? You win, you are the most exotic.

And you hear black comics go: “You white people can’t dance worth shit.” And we laugh, thinking it’s true, forgetting about Ginger Rogers and Fred Astaire.

But it doesn’t work when a white comic goes: “You black people can dance like the shit.” Now it’s awkward.

It’s hard work being a white comic, cause, comedy comes from the court jester kicking the king in the ass. The root of comedy is taking it to authority. I’m white. I am authority. What’s the worst thing a white guy can complain about? Hey, Bob, don’tcha just hate it when you’re standing on the glass ceiling looking down seeing the sad faces of all the women and minorities looking up, and you think, they should really put down some carpeting, especially if we have our next toga party, we don’t want those women and minorities looking up our togas, do we? Oh, we do? Oh. Ok.

Blogging is colorless. Well, it’s black and white words on a page, but the color of a blogger’s skin is meaningless. Right now I’m white, but, if you go through these poems and stories, you’ll see I’m Japanese, Korean, Chinese, Thai, Indian, Singaporean, Christian, Muslim, Jewish, Hindu, Buddhist, Atheist, Agnostic, all are harder for me to pull off in person. Even with my budding Korean, it is hard to convince you I am Korean when you meet me in person. But on paper:

한국어로 우리 자신을 발견해요

I’m as Korean as the next guy.