Category Archives: Quick Hits

9 Lines of a Cat Called Subconscious

*  Do you think God gets His way all the time? Do you think God always gets what He wants? God, I hope not.

*  In the jungle of India I came across a shrine, long abandoned. Left as testament to a god that died along with its followers.

*  Everyone is their own equation waiting to be solved. With a little study you can break down anybody to their lowest common denominator. Mine’s pi.

*  Did you know that a group of ferrets is called a business? Start with a school of fish, then graduate to a business of ferrets. Is this how it works on the karmic corporate ladder?

*  I don’t think it’s fair nor funny to pick on a hippopotamus’s obvious weight problem and refer to a group of them as, ‘a bloat.’ Like, you’re already playing up the stereotype calling them a romp of otters or a crash of rhinoceroses. Do we have to be so cruel as to pick on the genetic anomaly of an animal that is at its healthiest at 99% body fat?

*  And is it really fair to name the fear of long words: hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia? How can someone with hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia ever get over hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia if they can never say they have hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia?

*  Thai food inspired me to get into Eastern philosophy, proving the fastest way to a man’s soul is through his stomach.

*  I don’t support vegans who eat venus fly traps. Seems hypocritical to eat plants that eat meat.

*  The world is your oyster: shuck it.

A Flea Market of Ideas

*  I just had deja vu, but in reverse: I had deja vu that I’m going to have deja vu.

*  I’m in a complicated relationship. If I was a home, I’d be a semi-detached.

*  I use a disposable camera for all my disposable memories.

*  Watching Stephen Harper smile is the face a fish makes when riding a bicycle.

*  When do you know you’ve been to a city? And what does it say about those who count airports?

*  Loving Toronto is like loving your girlfriend’s bad haircut. She’s pretty, but, she could be so much prettier if she hadn’t let her drunk friend cut her hair.

*  I was an insensitive kid. For show-and-tell one day in kindergarten I told: My grandma died yesterday, but, that’s ok, I got another one.

*  Last night I drank myself dehydrated. Oh, Irony, why must you make the things I like best the worst things for me?

*  I just saw a commercial for a commercial.

*  How many abortionists does it take to unscrew a pregnant lady?

Gotta Get Lost To Get Found

*  I saw a bumper sticker: I BREAK FOR JESUS. What does that mean? You run over everybody else? Look! There’s The Buddha! When you see the Buddha, run over the Buddha!

*  I read LSD can help cure alcoholism. Great, so now instead of drunk drivers, you have drivers swerving off the road to avoid dragons.

*  I’ve had to take a lot of jobs as a waiter. I got fired from Famous People’s Players. Apparently I wasn’t retarded enough.

*  Maybe hell isn’t all fire and brimstone, but a bunch of people standing around waiting for their dates to arrive.

*  Dog is man’s best friend. Says a lot about man that he needs to keep his best friend on such a short leash.

*  I will never use the term: ‘peter out’, like a guy named Frank should never have to ask to be frank with you. But, I’ll be frank, and Frank will peter out. We are what we’re not.

*  Was Lot’s wife worth her weight in salt? He kept her in an urn with holes at the top. She was great on eggs.

*  My girlfriend is always giving me hints that I’m not holding up my end in the bedroom, like, for my birthday she gave me the Kama Sutra For Dummies.

*  “That’s me in the corner, losing my virginity.” Early R.E.M draft.

*  My new mantra: gotta get lost to get found.

History Is What You Make It

*  Paul Revere rollerbladed through Boston wearing a sandwich board warning the British were coming. THE BRITISH ARE COMING, it said one one side, and, DRINK SAM ADAMS BEER on the other.

*  The Wright Brothers invented Olympic ski jumping. Orville placed first, Wilber, second in the 1903 Olympics in Kittyhawk, North Carolina.

*  Julius Caesar’s final words were: “Make me a salad!”

*  Boston Red Sox fans assassinated John F. Kennedy, in a bid to break the curse of the Bambino.

*  Gandhi used to sneak jello pudding pops during his ‘hunger strikes’.

*  John Lennon is the love child of V.I. Lenin and he just changed his name out of embarrassment. ‘Back In The U.S.S.R,’ and ‘Everybody’s Got Something to Hide Except For Me and My Monkey,’ are both about his dad. And if you play ‘I Wanna Hold Your Hand’ backwards you can hear John reading from The Communist Manifesto.

*  Napoleon invented strawberry ice cream, declared it the greatest flavor ever, put it next to chocolate and vanilla and started taking over other countries to do taste tests.

*  Peter the Great was only Peter the So So to his wife and mistresses.

*  Elizabeth I, The Virgin Queen, was the biggest slut to take the throne since Richard The Horny, in 1342.

*  Julius Caesar gave us, July, Augustus gave us, August, and The Marquis de Sade gave us January and February.

*  Australia was colonized by English convicts.

Milking Grey Matter

*  Have you noticed the two things the News constantly gets wrong: the weather and lottery numbers?

*  Have you ever felt life is a poem and your name is, Orange and you don’t rhyme with anything?

*  I’m on my way to X-Rays Strip Club, cause I see beauty on the inside.

*  My body is a temple, it’s the Parthenon. It took 2500 years for the Parthenon to look like that, but, it took me just 36 years. Thanks, beer!

*  There are two kinds of people in this world, you and me and I’m both.

*  Got the Kama Sutra For Dummies. F-Spot here I come!

*  My friend Bob is dyslexic-proof.

*  Parents! Check the initials when naming your kid! Worst offense ever, my friend, Kevin Kyle Knorr. Would you believe me if I told you Kevin is black?

*  Food fights in Asia mean killing what’s on your plate before it kills you.

*  My new mantra: You’ve gotta get lost to be found.

*  My newer mantra: Opportunity is waiting to get knocked up.

*  Keep your friends close, and your enemies on Twitter.

A Check List of Lowest Moments High

*  Ever been so high, you stood on an escalator a full minute before realising it’s broken?

*  Ever been so high you can’t tell if the skunk smell is coming from outside or inside your apartment?

*  Ever been so high and paranoid you hung up on the pizza guy, cause he knows too much about you?

*  Ever been so high you could understand other languages?

*  Ever been so high you’re halfway through dialing a ten digit number when you realise, you have no idea who you’re calling?

*  Ever been so high, you confuse your surprise party to be an intervention?

*  You ever smoked up so much, you hotbox the room so much, you get even the insects high, so the spiders are building really lazy webs with big gaping holes that a fly could fly a 747 through? The spider is up there on the wall, all chilled out, making a peace sign with four legs, saying, “Go ahead, Mr. Fly! We can all be friends!”

*  Ever gone to your top drawer, you know, your pot drawer, found your little baggie empty, so scrape up the bottom of the drawer and wind up rolling up and smoking up your own hair?

Quick Hits

* When I get violently ill, I start punching doctors.

* Those who live in glass houses should buy curtains.

* Have you ever been put on hold during phone sex?

*  (From the Memories of Vietnam Series:) Think Snakes On A Plane was scary, try snakes on a plate.

*  I’m trying to quit smoking. Someone said, only way to quit smoking is going cold turkey. So, now I’m smoking cold turkey, but, I really don’t see how this is helping. I’m getting turkey lung.

*  Potheads tsk tsk cokeheads. Cokeheads tsk tsk crackheads, who do crackheads tsk tsk, suicides? Suicide? Tsk tsk, that shit will kill you!

*  I think to increase tourism, Toronto should get a giant statue of Michael Jackson, bigger than the CN Tower, using the CN Tower as a microphone. Why not? Rio’s got a giant statue of Jesus, and Michael Jackson played Toronto way more than Jesus ever played Rio.

*  Another election! Great! So I can forget to vote for the Marijuana Party again. Though, the Marijuana Party is the only political party that can rightfully call itself, “a party.” The rest are buzzkills.

*  “Time wounds all heels.” This was said by one of the Marx brothers, but, I can’t remember if it was Groucho, Chico, or Karl.

*  If “you are what you eat” then I am the pride I swallowed when I asked the gas station attendant to look under the hood to find why my car wouldn’t start. The problem? The car was in second gear.

*  Some kids had their mittens sewn to their coat. I had my coat sewn to my mittens. I’d walk from Billy’s house with my mittens on, forgetting my jacket.

*  Kids are like little drunk people: stumbling around, peeing themselves, asking stupid questions. Childhood’s a bender, adulthood’s its hangover.

*  Restaurant sign: “Just like mom’s cooking! Come in for a taste of home!”  Have you tried my mom’s cooking? Why do you think I need a restaurant?

*  Cottonbombs challenge: For every new subscriber I get in the next five minutes, I will donate a lung.

Worst Pickup Lines Ever

* I see beauty on the inside, so I really don’t mind you’re ugly.

* You remind me of my mom and my dad. And the dead body in my trunk.

* Wanna get back at your parents for giving you that face?

* My wife’s having induced labor tomorrow night; so, are you free for dinner?

* Ever had sex with the clinically insane?

* Are you a stroke victim, or, are you just happy to see me?

* Aren’t you the woman I followed home last night?

* You ever seen a hermaphrodite do it to itself?

* Are you a woman who regularly enjoys disappointment?

* You are the kind of girl I’d fantasize about while getting raped in prison.

* When I prayed to Satan to give me the hottest girl in the world, I’m so happy it’s you.

* Aren’t you the woman suing me for trying to lawnmower her cat?

* Nice dress, it really hides the fat.

* I could smell you from across the room.

* If you were pretty, I couldn’t talk to you. I can never talk to pretty girls.

* They’d throw me back in prison if they saw me talking to you. I’m not supposed to come within 100 meters of a playground.

* I think safe sex is for chickens.

* I think chickens are for safe sex. I don’t want to catch bird flu.

Potpourri Scratch and Sniff (I Smell Snow)

What do you call an Italian guy from Newfoundland who drinks a lot?

        Please send in your punchlines. The best will be posted tomorrow.

****

According to my History book, the bottle-opener was invented Apr. 15, 1738. So, what did they do Apr. 14, 1738?

 “Hey, John, you want some wine?”

“Sounds good.”

“Oh, I forgot, we don’t have bottle openers. You want a paper weight?” And aren’t teeth the original bottle opener? Are you telling me teeth weren’t invented until Apr. 15, 1738?

****

I went to Asia to find myself. I walked around the streets with a picture of myself, stopping innocent Asians, asking them, excuse me, have you seen this man? Some would look at the picture and then point at me. If only it were that easy, I’d say in a language neither of us understood.

****

Cigarettes are the one thing it’s ok to beg for. Begging for food, money, anything good for you is seen as pathetic. But asking to bum a smoke is ok. You want some food cause you’re hungry? Get a job! You want a cigarette? Here, take two. Need a light?

****

LET ME HELP YOU HELP ME.

****

I gave up golf for Loaned. I’m not Catholic, so I don’t observe Lent. I observe Loaned. It’s like Lent, except God borrows from you. Right now God’s got my golf clubs. It’s easy to give up golf in the snow.

****

Did you know, at faster the speed of sound, your ipod plays songs by bands that haven’t even been born yet?

****

Food fights in some Asian countries mean killing the thing on your plate before it kills you.

****

Who are you to judge what animals get eaten and what are sacred cows? And still, you eat the cows, right in front of the Hindus. Do you know how it looks for a Hindu working at an Indian Restaurant seeing a customer order and then eat one of his deities? You’re dieting on my deity! Do I go in to your church and yank Jesus off the cross and bite off his head? Mmm, this is delicious Baby Jesus backribs, you wanna try one?

****

My sister asked me to hide the Easter eggs somewhere hard for her kids to find. So, I hid them in my apartment. They’ll never find them there. I’ve got enough chocolate to last me a month.

****

I have a big ego. You would too, if you were me.

****

It’s all part of my new book: BROKEN HOME FIXES EVERYTHING: HOW TO MAKE YOUR PARENTS’ DIVORCE WORK FOR YOU. I’m hoping to market it to the Twilight demographic.

****

Seeds to the Wind

….

Haiku for Black: My Favorite Shade.

All is the new you.

Comedy to funerals,

you match everything.

….                                                                                                                                                    ….

In Love With Vito Corleone

Dating you is like dating

the mafia; just when I think

I’m out,

you pull me back in.

….                                                                                                                                                    ….

If you were an ice cream flavor, you’d be a much less cold bitch.

….                                                                                                                                                    ….

In India the food is so hot. You ever seen pictures of the monks setting themselves on fire? That’s not a protest, that’s cooling off after lunch.

….                                                                                                                                                    ….

Most North Americans have never read the Bible.

Most North Americans swear on the Bible as acts of faith.

Therefore, most North Americans will place their faith on what they’ve never read.

….                                                                                                                                                    ….

People named Frank will never ask if they can be Frank with you.

I will never ‘peter out’.

Therefore, we are what we’re not.

….                                                                                                                                                    ….

I was a very sensitive waiter. Too sensitive. I’d get to the table, and the patrons would stop talking and I’d say, “You were talking about me again, weren’t you?”

….                                                                                                                                                    ….

I’m into reading the slogans on license plates. My favorite is for New Hampshire: “Live Free or Die.”  Wow. It’s an ultimatum.

Ontario’s is poetic: “Yours to Discover.” Yeah, be the first to map Yonge Street!

Pennsylvania’s is a tease: “You’ve Got a Friend in Pennsylvania.” Sure I do. Let’s see how many friends I got if I were to walk into someone’s house in Philadelphia at 2 in the morning. “Why you pulling a gun on me, I saw your license plate, aren’t we friends?”

Missouri’s is ambiguous: “Show Me.” Show you what exactly, Missouri?

British Columbia’s is to the point: “Beautiful.”

Manitoba’s is honest: “Friendly”. Cause, Manitoba knows it would be sued for false advertising if it labelled itself as, ‘beautiful.’ Friendly, more accurate. It’s like the answer you give when you’re setting up a guy with your ugly sister. “Is she beautiful?” “Well, Manitoba’s very friendly, you’ll like her.”