The Book of Genesis: The Soap Opera! (Episode 11)

Announcer:  When we last left off (July 24) Adam was at the door of God’s cottage trying to convince his father to open the door and help him.

Adam:  Dad! Please, it’s too hard to talk to you through this door!

God:  You still haven’t told me your great mutually benefiting deal.

Adam:  Let me tell it to you face to face.

God:  You’ve got nothing, you’re bluffing, and you’re hoping you can look me in the eye and lie your way into getting what you want.

Adam:  I’ve got something, Dad.

God:  I’m waiting.

Adam:  I will raise my sons to worship you.

[God opens the cottage door, steps out on the deck dressed in Bermuda shorts and a lime green Hawaiian shirt, socks and sandals.]

God:  Of course you will.  [God hugs his son.]  Hey, I made you something.  [God reaches behind the door and presents Adam with presents.]

Adam:  Thank you. What are they?

God:  They’re garments of skin for you and Eve. Garments of skin are going to be all the rage this year, I’m telling you. So, I thought if you and Eve have to be dressed, you might as well be well dressed. Try it on. [Adam tries on one of the garments.]  No, that’s for ladies, the buttons are on the other side, see? Try the other one.  [Adam puts on the other garment of skin.]  Smart. Sleek. I’m not saying you’re my best work, but, you’re not my worst.

Adam:  What’s your worst?

God:  Well, it was you till you put that on, so, now, I guess I gotta go with cancer.

Adam:  Well, now that you like me more than cancer, father, how about getting a wet nurse for Eve? She is really suffering raising two kids with no support other than Lu- Mr. Satan who thankfully comes around to help with the kids.

God:  You shouldn’t let him near your kids. He will corrupt them.

Adam:  Well, if you gave us a wet nurse, then we wouldn’t have to rely on Mr. Satan so much.

God:  Ok, you’ll get your me-damn wet nurse.

Adam:  Thank you, father.

God:  I’ll let you lactate.

Adam:  We could really use another hand and another set of breasts.

God:  What’s wrong with the ones you’ve got right there? Here, I’ll turn your nipples into fountains of milk.

Adam:  This isn’t what I asked for. And I’m getting milk all over your nice garments of skin.

God:  I made them thick, they can take milk.

Adam:  Could you shut my nipples off, Dad? I’m drowning in milk here. My shirt is overflowing; I got milk coming out my collar.

God:  Alright, I’m just showing you how easy it could be to have all the milk you want.

Adam:  I’m good. I don’t drink a lot of milk, and I don’t think I’d ever drink milk that came out my own body.

God:  You spoiled brat, you’re so picky.

Adam:  Hey, who spoiled me?

God:  You’re blaming me for giving you paradise?

Adam:  Yeah, but at what price? Naked ignorance!

God:  You’re welcome! Now get out of here! I come up here to get away from stress!  [God walks back into his cabin and slams the door in Adam’s face.]

Adam:  Dad! Wait! I need you to hear me!

God:  Go away! I can’t hear you!

Adam:  If there’s a wet nurse waiting for me at home, I will raise the boys to worship you, if not, I’m going with the highest bidder! You hear that, old man?!

God:  No!

Announcer:  Did God hear any of it? Find out in the next installment of The Book of Genesis: The Soap Opera!


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