Announcer: When we last left off (July 24) Adam was at the door of God’s cottage trying to convince his father to open the door and help him.
Adam: Dad! Please, it’s too hard to talk to you through this door!
God: You still haven’t told me your great mutually benefiting deal.
Adam: Let me tell it to you face to face.
God: You’ve got nothing, you’re bluffing, and you’re hoping you can look me in the eye and lie your way into getting what you want.
Adam: I’ve got something, Dad.
God: I’m waiting.
Adam: I will raise my sons to worship you.
[God opens the cottage door, steps out on the deck dressed in Bermuda shorts and a lime green Hawaiian shirt, socks and sandals.]
God: Of course you will. [God hugs his son.] Hey, I made you something. [God reaches behind the door and presents Adam with presents.]
Adam: Thank you. What are they?
God: They’re garments of skin for you and Eve. Garments of skin are going to be all the rage this year, I’m telling you. So, I thought if you and Eve have to be dressed, you might as well be well dressed. Try it on. [Adam tries on one of the garments.] No, that’s for ladies, the buttons are on the other side, see? Try the other one. [Adam puts on the other garment of skin.] Smart. Sleek. I’m not saying you’re my best work, but, you’re not my worst.
Adam: What’s your worst?
God: Well, it was you till you put that on, so, now, I guess I gotta go with cancer.
Adam: Well, now that you like me more than cancer, father, how about getting a wet nurse for Eve? She is really suffering raising two kids with no support other than Lu- Mr. Satan who thankfully comes around to help with the kids.
God: You shouldn’t let him near your kids. He will corrupt them.
Adam: Well, if you gave us a wet nurse, then we wouldn’t have to rely on Mr. Satan so much.
God: Ok, you’ll get your me-damn wet nurse.
Adam: Thank you, father.
God: I’ll let you lactate.
Adam: We could really use another hand and another set of breasts.
God: What’s wrong with the ones you’ve got right there? Here, I’ll turn your nipples into fountains of milk.
Adam: This isn’t what I asked for. And I’m getting milk all over your nice garments of skin.
God: I made them thick, they can take milk.
Adam: Could you shut my nipples off, Dad? I’m drowning in milk here. My shirt is overflowing; I got milk coming out my collar.
God: Alright, I’m just showing you how easy it could be to have all the milk you want.
Adam: I’m good. I don’t drink a lot of milk, and I don’t think I’d ever drink milk that came out my own body.
God: You spoiled brat, you’re so picky.
Adam: Hey, who spoiled me?
God: You’re blaming me for giving you paradise?
Adam: Yeah, but at what price? Naked ignorance!
God: You’re welcome! Now get out of here! I come up here to get away from stress! [God walks back into his cabin and slams the door in Adam’s face.]
Adam: Dad! Wait! I need you to hear me!
God: Go away! I can’t hear you!
Adam: If there’s a wet nurse waiting for me at home, I will raise the boys to worship you, if not, I’m going with the highest bidder! You hear that, old man?!
Announcer: Did God hear any of it? Find out in the next installment of The Book of Genesis: The Soap Opera!