Book of Genesis: The Soap Opera (Episode 5)

Announcer:  When we last left off, (May 14) Adam and Eve had challenged God to one last pitch to get them to sign with him and turn down Mr. Satan’s proposal to turn the Garden of Eden into Mr. Satan’s Funland.

Adam:  Well, Dad, any last words?

God:  I told you, I’ll give you heaven, the greatest paradise there is.

Eve:  Sure, after we die, what have you done for us lately?

God:  You have to go through this world and suffer here, so you can truly enjoy heaven. It’s like how no one will appreciate a warm sunny day more than a Canadian, cause they will remember how cold the winter is. Heaven’s like that: you keep your memories of this world, so you can better love the next.

Eve:  Can you put that in writing?

God:  I’m God, my word is divine.

Eve:  Yeah, but our lawyer likes every thing written down.

God:  Lawyer? You’ve got Satan as your attorney? Don’t you know the devil’s in the details!

Mr. Satan:  And what are you? Next to cleanliness? You’re clean, big deal. I’m everywhere. And they know they’re going to enjoy this Ride Called Life a hell of a lot more if they take it with me. So, why don’t you fly out the window like you came. Maybe you can rescue a cat in the tree or something.

God:  Son, think of the family.

Adam:  Dad.

Eve:  Adam, I’m pregnant.

Adam:  Sweetheart!  [Adam throws his arms around Eve, attacking her with kisses.]

Eve:  We should think of the baby and get the best we can for right now. Let’s worry about the afterlife when we get there.

Adam:  Ok. Dad, I am going to think of the family, my family, my wife and kid. I’m sorry, but, I’m signing with Mr. Satan. Do we get healthcare covered?

Mr. Satan:  Full benefits for you, your wife and children.

Adam:  Yeah, see you can’t beat that. You’re all about death and later, but, I can’t think like that if I’m going to be thinking about my family.

God:  Son, I am your family.

Adam:  I love you, Dad. But, you can take care of yourself. My wife and unborn child need me.

God:  You’re breaking rule one of the Commandments!

Adam:  What are the Commandments? You can’t just make up rules as you go.

God:  I’ve really got to write this stuff down if I’m going to compete with lawyers and contracts.

Adam:  It’s probably a good idea, Dad. Excuse me as I sign this.

[Adam bends to sign Mr. Satan’s contract.]


[God’s scream is so loud it shatters the pen Adam was using. Mr. Satan smiles, bemused by God’s desperation, hands Adam a fresh pen.]

Mr. Satan:  Cute. Go on, Adam, sign before the shit storm hits the fan.

Adam:  You wouldn’t do that, would you, Dad?

God:  I swear to me, don’t tempt me.

Announcer:  Will Adam sign, therefore getting God to shower the world in a rain of fire? Tune in next time for another episode of Book of Genesis: The Soap Opera!


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