The Book of Genesis: The Soap Opera! (Episode 8)

Announcer:  When we last left off, (June 6) Mr. Satan, had kissed Eve, and proposed to be her children’s devilfather. We pick up where we left off, in the office of Mr. Satan, CEO of Eden Inc.

Eve:  If I make you devilfather, I want a contract, something that says you will continue to provide for my children no matter what happens to me.

Mr. Satan:  Sounds like fun. I’ll make it out in triplicate so we can have the joy of signing it three times.

Eve:  I don’t want any loopholes, like you giving us healthcare, but we have to pay for the medicine.

Mr. Satan:  Triplicate’s air-tight, baby. And each new contract comes with its own piggybank made out of real live pigs.

[Enter Adam]

Adam:  I just rode a dinosaur!

Mr. Satan:  You’re the man. You’re so the man, there’s no other man to challenge you as the man.

Adam:  That’s the coolest thing I’ve ever done!

Eve:  Cooler than getting me pregnant?

Adam:  Way cooler, hon. Riding down the back of that brontosaurus was unreal. Riding down your back was… I can’t believe I rode a dinosaur! Hey! What happened to your lip?

Eve:  What lip?

Adam:  Your lower lip, it’s all swollen. Did you get botox injections?

Eve:  No, I bit it.

Adam:  Why’d you bite your lip?

Eve:  I was nervous about you riding that dinosaur. Don’t do that again, you practically made me chew my face off.

Adam:  Oh, hon, looks like you need more of Lucy’s little heaven in a pill.

Eve:  Yeah, can I have another?

Mr. Satan:  Catch.  [Mr. Satan tosses a fresh pill right into Eve’s open mouth.]

Adam:  How bout one over here?

Mr. Satan:  You still haven’t paid for the last ones.

Adam:  What do I owe you?

Mr. Satan:  I’ll tell you later, I’m just reminding you. Here.  [Mr. Satan throws a pill straight into Adam’s mouth.]  Go to heaven.

[Enter God.]

God:  I came back for my stapler.

Mr. Satan:  You knock! You don’t have the right to just march in any time you want! This is my office now!

God:  Yeah, but, it’s my stapler and I really need it. I’m finishing the stars. There’s still a lot of blackholes I’ve got to fill in and I’m out of glue.

Mr. Satan:  Here!  [Mr. Satan throws the stapler at God. God deftly dodges to avoid the stapler.]

God:  You broke it!

Mr. Satan:  Suck on it! Get out of here! You wanna show up here? Next time, make an appointment!

Eve:  My water broke!

Adam:  Jeez, Eve, look what you did to the carpet! That’s pure unicorn!

Eve:  The babies are coming!

Adam:  Babies? How many you got in there?

Eve:  I think we’re about to find out!

[Eve lies down. Adam circles around her, nervously.]

Adam:  Help her, dad!

God:  I’ve got to fix my stapler.  [God turns his back on his son, playing with his broken stapler.]

Adam:  Lucy, any ideas?

Mr. Satan:  When in doubt, take more pills, that’s my motto.

Eve:  Please! The pain!

God:  It didn’t have to hurt, but you made a deal with the devil, so, enjoy childbirth.  [Exit God.]

Mr. Satan:  Here, let Mr. Sunshine take all the bad pain away.  [Mr. Satan gives Eve a pill.]

Eve:  Wow! That’s amazing! Childbirth just went from excruciating to exhilarating!

Mr. Satan:  I think I see a head.

Eve:  I think I see a dragon.

Mr. Satan:  You want me to get your babies?

Eve:  If you don’t mind. I’m too busy chasing dragons away.

Mr. Satan:  Before I get to work, sign here.  [Mr. Satan hands Eve a contract and a pen. Eve scribbles her signature.]  And here. And here . [Mr. Satan waits for Eve to finish signing before starting with the delivery.]  Ok, babies, come to your devilfather.

Adam:  Devilfather? What do you mean by that?

Mr. Satan:  Read the contract. It says so very clearly: with babies it is a case of finders keepers losers weepers. I was the first to see his head, by rights, this child is mine.

Adam:  Oh, hell on earth, Eve, what have you done?

Announcer:  Yes, what the hell on earth has Eve done? And how will her children take to their devilfather? Find out in the next episode of The Book of Genesis: The Soap Opera!


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