The Book of Genesis: The Soap Opera (Episode 7)

Announcer:  When we last left off, (June 2) Adam was asking Mr. Satan for the pill that had made Eve see the future.

Mr. Satan:  Don’t forget, you owe me for this, right?

Adam:  What will I owe?

Mr. Satan:  Two favors, and an hour of your day every day for the rest of your life. And a little after.

Adam:  That’s it? Just an hour? Dad had me on the clock 24-7.

Eve:  Pay the man, dear. I have never felt like this. This is even better than the fruit.

Adam:  Ok, deal. Do I get the pills?

Mr. Satan:  Sign here, first.

Adam:  [After signing, then taking the pills in the same hand that had signed the contract,]  Thank you, Mr. Satan.

Mr. Satan:  Lucy! Please, Adam, ‘Mr.’ is so formal, call me, Lucy!

Adam:  It’s just that I’ve always been so formal with my father that it’s kind of ingrained.

Mr. Satan:  You’ll see things go more smoothly when you loosen up, and relax. This company will not be run on formalities, but fun. We’re an amusement park, for your father’s sake, let’s damn well act like one!

Adam:  [After swallowing pills]  I feel like every hair on my body has mastered the art of massage and are showing it off to me, while my mind plays the harps of angels.

Mr. Satan:  What would you say to riding down the back of a brontosaurus?

Adam:  I’d say, yes please!

Mr. Satan:  Go over there, I got something for you, something you’re never going to forget.

Adam:  Thanks, Lucy!  [Adam runs off to find his dinosaur.]

Mr. Satan:  Eve, come and kiss me.

Eve:  I would but my feet are rooted in the floor and there’s a tree growing out of me.

Mr. Satan:  That’s just the pills talking. Come here and kiss me.

Eve:  But, what about Adam?

Mr. Satan:  Forget about Adam, Adam’s properly medicated, sliding down the spine of a brontosaurus, Adam’s fine.  [Mr. Satan approaches the heavily drugged Eve.]  Come on, stick your tongue in my mouth, I want to teach you a new language, it’s called, ‘Frenching’.

Eve:  Why?

Mr. Satan:  Everything oral’s going to be French: whining, dining, kissing, all a French art.

Eve:  [Leaning towards Mr. Satan]  Why does that sound so appealing?

Mr. Satan:  Because you know that I am the forbidden fruit and I’m delicious.  [They kiss, passionately, until Eve breaks away.]

Eve:  Ow! You bit me!

Mr. Satan:  Now we share a secret. That bite mark is the mark of our secret covenant.

Eve:  It was painful, but I liked it, but you can never do it again.  [Eve slaps Mr. Satan.]

Mr. Satan:  I understand perfectly.

Eve:  You do? Cause, I don’t even think I do.

Mr. Satan:  [Getting on one knee.]  Marry me, Eve. Be my wife.

Eve:  But, I’m already married. To Adam. And my career. Soon I’m going to be a mom.

Mr. Satan:  Exactly, and I can take care of you better than that troglodyte you call your husband. Look at him, he’s sliding down the back of a dinosaur, with no regard that the brontosaurus could turn and squish him at any time. Or a terradactyl could swoop down and eat him. I’m the better bet for those babies.

Eve:  But, I was made for Adam. I was made from Adam.

Mr. Satan:  I’m not saying you have to leave Adam, I’m just saying let me take care of you and be a provider for your children.

Eve:  You want to be the godfather?

Mr. Satan:  Let’s not use such foul language as that. Call me, ‘devilfather’.

Eve:  What’s in it for me?

Mr. Satan:  Great pills and great sex. And the security of knowing your boys will be provided for.

Eve:  How do you know they’ll be boys?

Mr. Satan:  I know, I know a lot of things. You should trust me, Eve. I can do so very much for you.

Announcer:  Does Eve make Mr. Satan the devilfather to her children? Tune in next time for another episode of The Book of Genesis: The Soap Opera!


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s