At 5 years old I asked my mom
“Is there a Santa?” Then I reconsidered, “Wait, if there isn’t, do I still get presents?”
I knew enough not to punch a gift horse in the mouth
just keep feeding it milk and cookies
even if it is the Trojan horse
bring that bad boy home
so long as he keeps giving gifts
like my mom paid a lot for my boarding school education
where I studied Latin for five years
though I never learned Latin
but mom doesn’t know, so she asks me to say Christmas Grace
one year she’ll hear ‘veni vidi vici’ is not part of the Lord’s Prayer
the next day my family really puts on the gloves for Boxing Day
picking ourselves over
like the last bit of meat on yesterday’s turkey
then Uncle Fred gets insulted when I ask him why he’s such a two-faced vegan
sorry, I just don’t support vegans who eat venus fly traps
seems hypocritical to eat plants that eat meat.
Uncle Fred counters that there are no absolutes
cause if this was true, it wouldn’t be.
Sure, but what does he know?
he suffers from: hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia- the fear of long words
so he keeps his sentences pretty short
and you know he’ll never get better
cause he can’t even admit his problem
though, in Uncle Fred’s defense
it doesn’t seem fair to name the phobia that can’t be named by its sufferers
but I pick on him anyway
cause he’s family
and I always pull out my thesaurus whenever he comes over
and torture him with my behemothic vocabulary
he gets me back by telling me I’m his least favorite nephew.
I am the only nephew he’s got.
As the saying goes:
we can’t pick our family
thank God we can choose to insult and ignore them.