Putting the Fun in Dysfunctional Family

At 5 years old I asked my mom

“Is there a Santa?” Then I reconsidered, “Wait, if there isn’t, do I still get presents?”

I knew enough not to punch a gift horse in the mouth

just keep feeding it milk and cookies

even if it is the Trojan horse

bring that bad boy home

so long as he keeps giving gifts

like my mom paid a lot for my boarding school education

where I studied Latin for five years

though I never learned Latin

but mom doesn’t know, so she asks me to say Christmas Grace

one year she’ll hear ‘veni vidi vici’ is not part of the Lord’s Prayer

the next day my family really puts on the gloves for Boxing Day

picking ourselves over

like the last bit of meat on yesterday’s turkey

then Uncle Fred gets insulted when I ask him why he’s such a two-faced vegan

sorry, I just don’t support vegans who eat venus fly traps

seems hypocritical to eat plants that eat meat.

Uncle Fred counters that there are no absolutes

cause if this was true, it wouldn’t be.

Sure, but what does he know?

he suffers from: hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia- the fear of long words

so he keeps his sentences pretty short

and you know he’ll never get better

cause he can’t even admit his problem

though, in Uncle Fred’s defense

it doesn’t seem fair to name the phobia that can’t be named by its sufferers

but I pick on him anyway

cause he’s family

and I always pull out my thesaurus whenever he comes over

and torture him with my behemothic vocabulary

he gets me back by telling me I’m his least favorite nephew.

I am the only nephew he’s got.

As the saying goes:

we can’t pick our family

thank God we can choose to insult and ignore them.

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6 thoughts on “Putting the Fun in Dysfunctional Family

      1. lamehousewife

        I’ve been pretty busy the past few months, so I haven’t been able to keep up with my favorite blogs. I miss blogging–the reading, the writing, and the discussions… and the poetry:)

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