You’re Listening to NKFR: North Korean Free Radio

The following was translated from two minutes of North Korean radio.

“Hello and good evening and welcome to the eleven o’clock news. Today in Pyongyang everything was absolutely perfect. Nothing bad happened to anyone anywhere. Everyone was smiling and laughing and sharing food and drink with each other. It was another day of living in this socialist workers paradise called North Korea.

“The Great Dear Wonderful Leader had a busy day saving the lives of an entire orphanage, running through flames to carry each and every one of the one hundred and twenty-seven boys and girls to safety before announcing the weekly rice quota per family will be raised from ten grains to nine. *  The Great Dear Most Wonderful Creature To Ever Grace This Planet then wrestled a bear, walked on water, drank the lava of an erupting volcano saving an entire city, invented math, all before having a half a grain breakfast.

“In international news, The United Nations has once again named North Korea in the top three most desirable countries in the world to live. The top three include: Cuba, in third place, North Korea in second and at number one, China. The Great Dear Most Awesome Of All Awesome Lifeforms To Ever Bless Us With Their Very Being has released a statement saying: “We can all do better and work harder to be number one. We must not sit back and think we are better than all other countries but one. We must fight to be that one.”

“However, in South Korea, it was more misery, sadness and oppression as a corrupt capitalist government continues suppressing the poor and middle classes by a ruthless and greedy upper class that keeps its workers working for slave labor and lies.

“You’re listening to NKFR, North Korea’s Free Radio, uncensored and unbiased all the time.

“The evil and vile South Korean imperialist government conducted a poll asking its citizens the question: Where would you rather live, North or South Korea? One hundred percent of respondents said they would rather live in North Korea. Again border patrols from all sides fought with thousands of illegal aliens trying to get in.

“In weather, today’s high will reach thirty-seven Kim Jong Ils which the Great Most Majestic Beam Of Light To Ever Illuminate This Universe said is the perfect temperature for today. Thirty-eight would be too high and thirty-six would be ridiculous. Thank Dear Precious When He Was A Child Learned To Start And Stop Time Itself, thank Him for the weather. The rain will continue tonight and right up until next week. Dear Dear Gracious Leader is so generous with His rain.

“And in sports, The Greatest Most Superlative Leader That Ever Lived, hit eighteen holes in one with one shot blindfolded while boxing Muhammad Ali, who is doing much better physically than the punchless Western media has been reporting.

“North Korea won in every international competition today including three hundred and sixty-three gold medals at the Summer and Winter Olympics being held concurrently, along with The Paralympics in the North Korean city of Pyochul. Tickets for all the events are sold out and anyone found venturing in to Pyochul without a ticket will be shot on sight.

“The North Korean Anthem was well played a record 367 times at both Olympics today. North Korea also won World Cups in football, baseball, tennis, table tennis, hockey, sailing, and the North Korean squad took The New England Patriots two hundred and thirty-five to nothing in the Superbowl.”

* the broadcaster who delivered this was executed immediately following the broadcast because she had paused at, ‘the weekly grain quotas per family will be raised from ten grains per week to nine.’  She had been instructed to read right through.


6 thoughts on “You’re Listening to NKFR: North Korean Free Radio

  1. Steven Myers

    nice entertaining window into the bizarre world of propoganda.
    taking credit for the perfect temperature had me laughing out loud.
    this is sort of off topic, but kim jong hit that hole in one. i never knew if this was true or
    more media rose coloring people’s opinions, but either way,
    it still seems kind of legendary- a hole in one in a good way like that guy who has caught over 2500 foul/fair balls…i mean it’s totally inspiring even if it might not be true, but i believe it.

    1. cottonbombs Post author

      No, your take on Kim Jong Il’s hole in one is right on the money. So much so that I feel I missed a beat not including it. I might ape your idea and throw it in somewhere. More off topic is Babe Ruth’s called shot in Wrigley in ’32. I believe it happened cause it’s a hell of a story, and Andy Rooney said he was there and saw it happen.

      1. Steven Myers

        maybe some propoganda is not so bad. it’s a very neutral word.
        somehow it got burned by some bad eggs.
        and maybe propoganda could be myth as in subconcious-fueled dreams that bring people higher in their waking lives.
        i love your idea of ruth’s called shot. absolutely perfect example.
        that story ( i think it’s true too) inspired so much that it has become a golden myth; from kids on sandlots to their old man/woman downing shots in fraternity/sorority discussion
        and i think kids with dollar signs on their mind these days would have their minds blown better
        by a cottonbombs poem on ruth’s called shot.

      2. cottonbombs Post author

        Thank you for the inspiration. You have set the wheels spinning, or, better, the bats warming up in their Spring Training cages to swing for the fences to hit a poem on Ruth’s called shot. You fearlessly write baseball. I have such a hard time putting words to something I can’t explain: my love for the sport of baseball.

  2. granbee

    Peter, you have really achieved something wonderfully entertaining and wonderfully heart-piercing here! Propaganda like this is unfortunately too much like what we are hearing in the U.S. 2012 election season!

    1. cottonbombs Post author

      Thanks, Rose! You can’t escape the propaganda. We used to call political mudslinging: “American style politics” up here. We don’t do that any more, cause Canadians do it, too. More and more. And worse. There is now an investigation into whether or not the winning Conservative Party influenced the last election by getting staffers to make phony calls election day misdirecting opposition voters to the wrong polling stations. When did Canada turn into Florida?


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