If Love Was A Game Show

Hello! Welcome to the show, Wheel of Love! I’m your host, Chuck Silvers and we’re going to bring out three contestants who are going to compete for each others’ Love and cash and prizes of over one million dollars! Let’s bring out tonight’s contestants! Contestant number one comes from Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan. She’s a twenty-one year old three time divorcee. Please put your hands together and welcome, Connie!

Connie enters the stage.

“Welcome to the show, Connie!”

“Thanks, Chuck! Great to be here!”

“So, twenty-one, three times divorced. Sounds like you could use a bit of luck in love.”

“I sure could, Chuck! That’s why I came to play!”

“Alright! Let’s meet who you will be playing against or possibly playing for. Next up is Rick, a twenty-four year old high school junior. Put your hands together for Rick!”

Rick enters the stage.

“So, twenty-four and you are still in high school. What seems to be the problem, Rick?”

“I don’t know. I never understand the problem, that’s the problem. Math teachers test us on different problems and I can never read the problem and that’s always one big problem right there.”

“And it says here you see love as one big problem.”

“That’s right, love’s a problem I can never figure out. For one, I don’t even know which sex I like. Like, I like women. When I’m with a woman everything feels right, her stink is a good stink, then I’m with a guy and he stinks good, too. I find being bisexual very confusing. I feel like I’m being greedy or something.”

“Sounds like you’ve been with a lot of people.”

“It’s the only way I got through any of my maths and sciences was I had chemistry with the teacher. By chemistry I mean I was boning the teacher. If I failed, it was because I wasn’t. That’s why I can’t get out of junior year, Mr. Taylor, the physics teacher is straight. I’ve probably had chemistry with half my high school teachers and Sam, the janitor, just for luck. Sure, I was passing, but I wouldn’t call it love.”

“Well, Rick, let’s see what kind of luck you’ve brought with you! And let’s see your final competitor. Hank comes to us from Gnome, Alaska. Please, give a warm greeting to Hank!”

Hank enters the stage.

“So, Hank, tell us what it’s like living in the far north.”

“It’s cold and lonely. I’ve never dated anyone who wasn’t at least distant family in my entire life. I’ve been more than just kissing cousins with most my cousins.”

“Sounds like love can only get less familiar for you, Hank. Are you ready for that?”

“I want that very much, Chuck. In some ways, it’s easy dating your cousin, I mean, in my family we’re called kissing cousins for a reason. And you only have to do one Thanksgiving, one Christmas, you know your family already loves her, seeing as they’re related to her. But, outside the family, it’s hard dating your cousin. Introducing her with the same last name, people start asking awkward questions.”

“Well, let’s see if luck be a lady or a man or a ladyman, or a pair of men tonight on Wheel of Love!”

Audience applauds.

“Alright! Now it’s time for our contestants to spin for the chance of Love and cash prizes of up to one million dollars! Ok, Connie, you have the first spin, go ahead, give the wheel a spin!”

Connie spins. The wheel eventually settles on Rick.

“What do you think, Connie? Do you want to take the chance to Love Rick?”

“No, he seems pretty dumb. Can I trade Rick in for what’s his name over there?”

“Hank? No, no, Connie. You can’t trade for Hank. Either pick it up and pick Rick up, or lose a turn.”

“Lose a turn.”

“Ok, Connie’s passing the turn on to Rick. Go ahead and give the wheel your best spin, Rick!”

“Spin it?”

“Yeah, spin the wheel.”

Rick spins the wheel. The wheel settles on “For Love or Money.”

“You’re on For Love or Money! What’s it going to be, Rick? Do you want to take your chance on making a lot of Love or making a lot of Money?”

“I came for Love, Chuck!”

“He’s going to Love it!”

The audience roars in approval.

“Ok, Rick. Since you landed on For Love or Money and you’ve chosen Love, you get first crack at either contestant or anyone in the first three rows of the audience. Who are you going to Love, Rick?”

“You, Chuck!”

“But, I’m not a prize.”

“You sure are, Chuck! Contract says that anyone on the stage is up for Love and that means you, Chuck!”

“Alright, I’ll Love you but I can’t promise I’m gonna like you. That’s the show ladies and gentlemen! Thank you for tuning in to Wheel of Love, I’m going to go see if I can Love Rick. I think the secret is in the commitment. Though, it’ll be difficult cause I’m straight and he smells like an old hockey bag. Good night!”


5 thoughts on “If Love Was A Game Show

  1. granbee

    Peter, WHAT a riot of laughter here. Of course, many of these ideas here HAVE been observed in real life–and you can’t just walk off the stage from some of those real life “prizes”–or can you? So THAT is your message–Duh!

  2. Steven Myers

    I enjoy how you eliminate the terror some people must endure
    over their sexuality. The playful way in which you do it removes knots.
    You wrote a post back in mid january called “so gay”
    that achieved the same result. That one and this one, like Lenny Bruce’s skit on
    racially offensive words, expose what is still sort of forbidden to say,
    but when it is, there is definite joy.

    1. cottonbombs Post author

      I am flattered that you would call back an old post and mix it in with a reference to one of my heroes, Lenny Bruce (who was not afraid). It’s a wonderful comment and compliment and I am grateful of any joy that my posts can bring. Your comments and your writing over at Broken Bats, bring a lot of joy on this side of the screen. Thank you.

  3. cottonbombs Post author

    Thank you for your reading and response. I am grateful that you read and my story can bring laughter to a bad day. I hope you that today was better than yesterday.


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