Did you know the world is ending on Dec. 21st? Hey, just ask a Mayan. Does anyone here know a Mayan? Has anyone ever met a Mayan? Why are we following their calendar? Do you own a Mayan watch? Is your network set to Mayan time? Who the fuck are these people? They scare the shit out of everyone saying the world is going to end in 2012, and then they don’t even have the common courtesy to stick around long enough to say: “Gotcha!” Where are these people? Oh, look, the Mayan civilization ended 500 years ago. They were off by 500 years.
They were a bit intense, though. These are people who took the heads off their opponents in a ballgame. Seriously, they played this game like soccer-racquetball with this rubber ball weighing about fifty pounds or some thing, and the losing team’s captain would be sacrificed, or maybe even the entire starting line and a couple cheerleaders. This does not promote the values of good sportsmanship and I’m betting not a lot of guys were lining up to be captain. And how do you hope to grow the sport when you keep killing the losers? Like, every game is literally sudden death.
And these are people who confused a bunch of dirty Spanish sailors as gods. They see these stinky men getting off ships after months at sea, all these greasy, scurvy, dirty unwashed Spanish sailors and they think: this is what god looks like. And these are people we’re following for end of the world advice? They can’t tell the difference between a god and a dirty sailor.
We’re so focused on the end of their calendar, but, why don’t we think of its start. According to the Aztec Calendar and Google, the world started on August 11, 3114 B.C. Who starts time in the middle of August? And did the Mayans not think there was an August 1oth that year? Cause, have you seen a Mayan calendar? Did you notice it’s round? It’s a circle? Circles don’t end you fools! They start again. But I end here. Good night and good morning.