A People Called Steve

In the future everyone will be named Steve. Every one. Every man, woman, child, dog and cat will share the name, Steve. With all the cameras and screens every where, there was no hope for anonymity, so society thought to protect itself making it a law that every one must be called Steve. That way, if you were talking about some one, that some one’s identity would be protected.

“Did you hear what happened to Steve?”

The listener could only imagine all the Steves they knew, and the individual Steve would remain anonymous. Of course, last names were against the law, and giving some one a nickname was punishable by death. And anyone heard calling someone, Stevie, or Steven, or even Stephen with a ph, would be shot on sight.

This is the story of Steve and his wife, Steve, and all his friends and family named Steve. Steve was a special guy. Steve really stood out, like, when you mentioned a guy named Steve, and you emphasized the Steve, people would know you meant Steve.

Steve could do anything. He could paint, he could act, he could cook the greatest lasagna you’d ever tasted. Steve smelled great. Steve won ten gold medals in one Olympics: long jump, pole vault, pole jump vault, (where you jump over a vault with a pole) sixty meter butterfly, archery, as captain of the men’s winning water polo team, men’s solo and pairs synchronized swimming, kayak, and shot put. In between the events Steve gave poetry readings and made balloon animals to sold out stadiums. Steve was the Steve.

Steve was so much the Steve that the government offered to change his name to Jerry, because, by being so famous, he had name recognition, which was the very thing the government had tried to eradicate with the policy of calling everyone Steve. Steve didn’t want to change his name, he had grown attached to it, so he turned the government’s offer down. The government didn’t like being turned down and added extra surveillance to Steve, hoping to catch him in the midst of a crime. The worst thing they caught him doing was going through girlfriends like tissues. Steve simply couldn’t keep dating a woman more than a week. Though, not technically a crime, the government leaked their surveillance tapes to the media and soon Steve was known as the man who could not love, which made more women want to love him more.

To Steve, love was a ridiculous notion.

‘If love exists, I don’t want it. Sounds like it makes you so vulnerable and weak. No thanks. What’s the point? If this Steve doesn’t work out, there’s always another Steve in the sea,’ Steve thought.

Yes, the one thing Steve couldn’t do was love. He couldn’t do love, he couldn’t make love, he couldn’t even touch love cause he wouldn’t recognize love if he felt it. Love was the one thing Steve couldn’t grasp so it was the one thing he wanted most, though he didn’t know it. He thought he hated love.

And when Steve met Steve, his anti-amor training came in handy cause he loved her immediately, which made him hate her all the more. He taunted her with words he thought were sarcastic but would prove to be prophetic, words like: “If I didn’t love you so much, I’d marry you.” He believed he was joking. Even when he said, “I do,” he was under the impression he was kidding.

‘Yeah, I’ll marry you, but don’t expect me to love you, lady,’ Steve thought to his newlywed bride.

And when she called him, “Lovey” he had her arrested.

“Lovey,” she cooed soft pillow talk. He immediately turned, picked up the phone and dialed the police to report a someone calling another someone by a nickname.

When his Steve was hauled away, Steve wondered what Steve would come next.


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