Chuck: Welcome back! Ok, we’re down to our final two competitors. Wendy, Arnod, congrats for making it this far, however, only one of you can win, so how you do in this final round will determine who is going home our grand prize winner. Are you both ready?
Wendy: Ready, Chuck.
Arnod: Let’s do it!
Chuck: Ok, your final task starts by answering this question: would you rather know everything, or would you rather know nothing? Wendy?
Wendy: I would want to know everything, Chuck.
Chuck: You sound so sure. Don’t you know what a sacrifice that will be? All surprises in life will be gone.
Wendy: I hate surprises. My ex-boyfriend once threw me a surprise party, I broke up with him right after everyone shouted: “Surprise!”
Chuck: Ok, you take the purple pill. And Arnod? What do you choose between knowing everything and knowing nothing?
Wendy: Oh my God! I’m going to die next year!
Arnod: I guess I’ll choose to know nothing. Sounds like more fun. Everything will be a new discovery.
Wendy: My husband doesn’t really love me!
Chuck: Here, Arnod, take the yellow pill. How’s it feel? Arnod? Arnod? You can’t understand. Now folks, the pills only have a one minute effect, so, soon they’ll wear off and we’ll get to talk with our contestants and put them through the final challenge.
Wendy: I win but I lose everything! And my breath stinks!
Chuck: And the pills should just about be wearing off. Wendy, how do you feel?
Wendy: I have such a headache. I feel like I had a lobotomy for breakfast.
Chuck: That’s the pill wearing off and taking with it your knowledge of everything.
Wendy: Holy crap.
Chuck: Arnod? How do you feel?
Arnod: Amazing. That was unbelievable! Scary, but, I never saw the beauty of a chair before. Like, I so much wanted to sit down, and what a great surprise it was to find that that was what the chair was designed for! That was the greatest seat I’ve ever taken. And I found some chocolate in my pocket and I didn’t know, but I just felt I should put it in my mouth, and after I took off all the foil and wrapping, it was the most delicious thing I have ever tasted!
Chuck: Sounds like quite a trip! Ok, now we have three questions. Whoever is first to answer two correctly, wins our grand prize. Are our contestants ready?
Arnod: Let’s play, Chuck!
Wendy: Who cares? I’m going to be dead this time next year any how!
Chuck: Alright, question one:
Wendy: Ulan Bator. You’re going to ask, what is the capital of Mongolia, and there’s you’re answer: Ulan Bator.
Chuck: That is correct!
Arnod: That’s not fair! She knows the questions before they’re asked! How can I compete?
Wendy: You can’t, genius. Who chooses ignorance? Why do you think I chose to know everything? So I could be ready for the final round! But, you know what? No, of course you don’t, you chose to be stupid. But, I’ll tell you any way. I know what it’s like to win, and then lose it all and you can have it. I’ll write down the next two answers on this and you can read them off when asked. Here.
Arnod: [Taking paper.] Thanks.
Chuck: Ok, question two: Who is the youngest African head of state?
Arnod: [Reading from paper] Joseph Kabila of the DR Congo.
Chuck: That is correct! And we’re tied at 1-1. The next question will determine our grand prize winner.
Wendy: Big deal, Chuck, you big phony! You hate your job and you think about blowing your brains out after every show.
Chuck: Question three: What is the meaning of life?
Arnod: [Reading] Penguins.
Chuck: Is that your answer, Arnod?
Arnod: That’s what it says right here.
Chuck: I’m afraid the meaning of life is not penguins. Wendy, it’s your game to win if you can tell us what is the meaning of life?
Wendy: I’m not telling you, you pathetic game show host. I’ll tell you this much, the meaning of life is not winning this show. Excuse me, I’ve got to go call my mom. [Exit Wendy.]
Chuck: Looks like we’ve got no winners tonight, folks! Only losers! Tune in tomorrow night to see if we can finally get a right answer to that all elusive question: what is the meaning of life? I’m Chuck Silvers, good night!