* I saw a bumper sticker: I BREAK FOR JESUS. What does that mean? You run over everybody else? Look! There’s The Buddha! When you see the Buddha, run over the Buddha!
* I read LSD can help cure alcoholism. Great, so now instead of drunk drivers, you have drivers swerving off the road to avoid dragons.
* I’ve had to take a lot of jobs as a waiter. I got fired from Famous People’s Players. Apparently I wasn’t retarded enough.
* Maybe hell isn’t all fire and brimstone, but a bunch of people standing around waiting for their dates to arrive.
* Dog is man’s best friend. Says a lot about man that he needs to keep his best friend on such a short leash.
* I will never use the term: ‘peter out’, like a guy named Frank should never have to ask to be frank with you. But, I’ll be frank, and Frank will peter out. We are what we’re not.
* Was Lot’s wife worth her weight in salt? He kept her in an urn with holes at the top. She was great on eggs.
* My girlfriend is always giving me hints that I’m not holding up my end in the bedroom, like, for my birthday she gave me the Kama Sutra For Dummies.
* “That’s me in the corner, losing my virginity.” Early R.E.M draft.
* My new mantra: gotta get lost to get found.