Bill’s got his pants dropped around his ankles sitting at his desk, surfing porn, when Hera, Athena and Aphrodite appear in his apartment, followed by a golden apple that rolls magically through the door, stopping at Bill’s naked feet.
“Pick it up,” Hera commands. Bill isn’t sure if she means the apple or his pants. He goes with his pants, zipping up. “The apple!” She instructs. Bill bends over and picks up the golden apple. He is surprised at how heavy it is. He holds it in both hands as he stands before the goddesses, searching for meaning of their sudden appearance. He could see them, he could feel the weight of the apple, but, still, Bill could not believe what he is seeing.
“Read it,” Athena directs.
Bill reads the inscription on the apple: To the Fairest.
“Give it to me,” Aphrodite purrs at him, reaching for the apple. Bill is about to hand it over to her, when the other two goddesses speak up.
“Stop! Hold on!”
“What?” Bill pulls the apple back, putting a frown on the face of Aphrodite.
“Do you understand what you’d be giving up if you gave her the apple? Don’t you see that I am the fairest? Don’t you know how I can prove it to you?” Hera says.
“How?” Bill is listening.
“I can make you the most powerful man in the world. I can make you emperor of everything.”
“I’ve always thought I deserve to be emperor of everything,” Bill likes the sound of that.
“But, wait, Bill, you haven’t heard what I can do for you,” Athena’s voice sails through clouds of smoke. Bill gets high off the sound. “I can make you the wisest man on the planet, the greatest general ever. I can make you great in battle and lucky in everything else. Give the apple to me.”
Bill is leaning forward to hand Athena the apple, when Aphrodite coos, “Oh, Billy… what’s the point of all the power and all the military prowess? To get laid! So, let’s just jump right into bed with what I’ve got for you, silly Billy…”
“Whatcha got for me? Whatcha got for me?” Bill can’t wait to hear; Aphrodite’s voice is like cream in the middle of the cannoli.
“I will give you the sexiest most beautiful woman on the planet. I’ll give you the set of legs that not only stops clocks, stops time itself. I’m not kidding, and her breasts?”
Bill perks up. “Yeah?”
“You don’t want to know, in case you don’t pick me, you don’t want to know what you are missing. Life’s painful enough, even with all the power and prowess; there’s nothing like coming home to the most beautiful woman in the world.”
“Yeah, you got a picture of her?”
Aphrodite points at the white wall and brings it to life illuminating the moving image of Helen Troy, the most beautiful woman in the world.
“She’s ok, but, I kinda like Inuit women.”
Without hesitation, Aphrodite beams the image of the most beautiful Eskimo in the world. Bill, mesmerized, hands the golden apple to the Goddess of Lust, while stepping face first into the wall.
“Ouch!!” Bill holds his nose.
“Wait! That’s just an image, the real woman lives in Iqaluit, Nunuvut. You gotta get on a plane, then a helicopter, then a ski-doo, then a team of dog-sleds, then by snow-shoe to reach her.”
“That sounds like a lot of work. Can’t you just zap her here?”
“No, you have to get her yourself.”
“Let me see the first woman again, does she live close?”
“Helen Troy lives in Turkey.”
“You mean like the country? You’re not saying she lives in a turkey turkey, cause, that’d be weird and a major turn off.”
“She lives in Istanbul.”
“And I can get there just by plane?”
“And bus, then, yeah, you’d find her in her apartment, waiting for you, cause I’ll put her under your spell.”
“I’ve always wanted to see Istanbul. Ok, let me see the second one again, the Inuit-” Aphrodite flashes an image of the most gorgeous Eskimo back on the wall, Oogrooq. “Oh, she’s so incredibly beautiful… Ok, how bad could Nunuvut be in February?”
Bill would find out, pretty bad. Getting off the plane in minus forty degrees in the dark at two o’clock in the afternoon is nothing compared to the storm the goddesses have waiting for him. First, Aphrodite had failed to mention the woman was married with three children. Bill feels slightly guilty taking her from her family, but, only until he kisses her and finds she kisses back with the fruits of passion he had never tasted.
He hurries them from her home, back on the dog sled, mushing those twenty dogs with all his might, praying to Aphrodite to help keep the way clear. Aphrodite works with hearts and other organs, she has no control over a single cloud. She can only watch as Athena leads Oogrooq’s husband, Nagojut, hot on the trail of Bill and his stolen love. Hera commands the wind and snow to blow wickedly in Bill’s face, biting him rabid with hypothermia. The dogs sense their musher has gone mad, and bite through their ropes to escape for their lives.
Stranded, Oogrooq, sets to work building an igloo, while, Bill, suffering the late stages of hypothermia, tears off all his clothes and runs off into the day for night Arctic.
Nagojut catches up to Bill, making snow angels in the nude, painted purple from the cold. Nagojut had set out to kill the man who had stolen his wife and mother of his children, but, upon seeing Bill in the last gasps of hypothermia, Nagojut thinks to let Old Man Winter do the dirty work. Nagojut is relieved, he has never killed a man before, just walrus, whales, and the odd baby seal.
He finds his wife waiting for him in the hastily constructed igloo, just big enough for two to lie down in. Nagojut first hugs his wife, then slaps her across the face.
“How could you go with him?”
Oogrooq slaps him back. “I couldn’t help it. You try being the most beautiful woman in the world, and see how many gods and goddesses promise you to all those they’re trying to bribe! You wouldn’t last one second in my skin!”
“You mean this has happened before?”
“Happens all the time, but I’m able to fight against it. But this time, it was different, cause, Aphrodite got me to believe I was in love and that changed everything. I had to follow.”
“You left me and the kids.”
“What can I say? Aphrodite’s the strongest of all the gods, so… you know you can’t fight her, that’s why you married me and I married you. But if you slap me again, I’m going to kick your ass, got it?”
Nagojut says he’s got it by giving Oogrooq what she will remember as her very favorite kiss ever. Above them, Aphrodite takes a bite of the golden apple, winking at Hera and Athena, who hate her for being in love with love.