Latest News From Mars

I often watch shows I hate. I watch a lot of reality shows. I absolutely despise them, I can’t stop watching them. I probably hate TMZ most. It’s probably my favorite show. They had a report on some teen actor I didn’t know, and there was no story, just a report on her getting out of a salon and walking to an elevator. That’s it. The whole story was there must be a story because there were so many paparazzi following her, but they never said why. That’s it, paparazzi talking about paparazzi, that’s what we’ve become. If the media was an alcoholic, this would be like getting so drunk, you light your house and pets on fire while chasing your cat around trying to pee on it. This is rock bottom.

See, it’s not so much the story or the tone that drives me crazy, it’s that millions accept this as news. It’s not the message that’s dangerous, it’s the medium. By accepting this level of journalism, we allow them to get away with murder. They didn’t know why there were so many cameras following her, just that they were following her. And they didn’t know who the older woman was with her, “Either her assistant or mother, or both,” they speculated. That shit can be found out pretty easily.

Imagine this level of reporting during Watergate:

“Republican officials say they have nothing to do with the break in the Democratic Offices, and we at the Washington Post believe them.”

And we’re so morbidly two-faced in our reporting of suicides. We never report amateur suicides unless they trigger our imagination like a school shooting. And we’ll publish any blog about your helpful views on society and any photo of you posing with a gun, as long as you use it to shoot people. That lunatic down in Virginia was read more that year than Shakespeare.

And how they break the news into the sections: Sports, Business, Entertainment, Living, Politics, Crime; so why am I reading about so many murders in the Entertainment section? What are you saying, murder is entertainment? I’m sorry, when you go from famed producer, to psycho killer, you should stop getting press in the Entertainment section, and be put in Sports alongside OJ Simpson.

We’re too cool for ourselves. Flipping channels, I come across, “And next up, the latest news from Mars.”


Fifty years ago, that would have blown our minds. You ever seen Back To The Future? Remember how George McFly reacted to the Van Halen guitar solo? Imagine waking up fifty years from now finding your favorite song is elevator music. Imagine the world fifty years from now. The ending of this is entirely a reflection of you.


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