“Why are we sacrificing this virgin, again?” Maumau asked his elder, Riri.
Riri’s arms were above his head, clutching a dagger. Juju, the virgin, was tied to a flat rock, strapped to her back. Her mouth was gagged to mute the sound of her screams. The men of the village learned that when the rest of the village virgins heard how much it hurt to be sacrificed, a lot less would volunteer.
“You ask me this, now?” Riri asked, dumbfounded at his dumb protege. He held the dagger suspended above Juju, the virgin.
“Yeah, I just thought of it. Why are we doing this, again?”
“To appease the gods. Now, shut up, so I can stab this girl and make the gods happy.”
“Well, hold on, how do we know this is making them happy? Don’t you think if they wanted to take this young virgin’s life, they would? They’re gods, afterall.”
“Maumau, hush. The whole village’s watching and waiting for us to do our job. Be quiet, so I can stab this girl, and then we can all go home and have a banquet.”
“But, I really think we need to rethink our strategy with the gods. I mean, we do this every year: bring out a virgin; tie her to a rock; stab her; leave her to die; and still the volcano erupted. Still, we got too much rain.”
“Imagine what we’d get if we didn’t sacrifice a virgin?”
“Well, why’s it have to be a virgin? Why can’t it be a total slut? Or a bisexual?”
“Because virgins are pure.”
“So, if it is really about the purity of the person, then I can tell you, she’s not that.”
“What are you saying?”
“I’m saying that ship has sailed.”
“Maumau, speak Guadalaloo, not this nonesense.”
“I’m saying if the gods are looking for a girl who’s chaste and pure, I’m saying the gods are going to be disappointed.”
“What?” Riri lowered the dagger. The crowd of tribespeople gasped and muttered amongst themselves, ‘What’s going on?’ ‘What’s happening?’
“Maybe you wanna find another virgin, is all I’m saying.”
“I could kill you. Oh my gods, what have you done?”
Maumau spoke to quiet the clammoring crowd, from atop the rock. “My people! Listen! We are not going to sacrifice this girl!”
The crowd shouted back, “What?” “Why not?” and “Hurry up, so we can eat!”
“Please, people, listen! Don’t you see, this way is not working? Didn’t we do this last year, and didn’t we lose so many of our brothers and sisters to disease? Didn’t the volcano still erupt? I say it’s time to try something new! This year, instead of sacrificing a virgin, let’s sacrifice the most promiscuous! Let’s sacrifice the biggest slut in this town! Aren’t they the ones to spread disease and break the rules of the gods?”
The crowd was turning on his words. They shouted a collective, “Yes!”
“Riri, cut her free. Go on Riri!”
Riri was still till the crowd commanded him: “Go on, Riri!’ and, “Cut her free!” Riri played to the crowd, cutting her free. Juju jumped up, took the gag out of her mouth, slipped into the crowd, not before giving Maumau a kiss on the cheek.
“So, let’s vote. Who is the biggest slut in town?” Maumau shouted at his people.
“You!” his people shouted back. And his tribesmen rushed him and had Maumau bound and gagged, tied to the rock before he had the chance to talk them out of it. He tried to scream with his eyes at his colleague, Riri, not to go through with their execution. But, Riri followed the demands of the mob, and drove the dagger deep into the heart of Maumau, killing him instantly.
The next year, the tribe celebrated their healthiest harvest. They thought they were on to something, and, picked Bibi, the village mattress, as their next sacrificial slut. The tribespeople learned quickly never to kiss and tell and sex became a necessary evil that no one talked about.