Here is the full version of an email I almost sent today. You know who you are.
Hi, remember me? I promised myself I’d never write you. Here I am breaking that promise. You’d think it must be something pretty big that would inspire me to write you after all this time. You’re right, it is. I wore your shirt today. Remember that shirt you bought me at H & M? The black and white one with stripes? I never wear it, but I wore it today because I was out of clean shirts, and also, with the faith that I was over you enough to wear something you gave me.
You might think I’m giving myself away by not just throwing out the shirt after all this time, but, I don’t throw out clothes, especially clothes that fit. I really thought I was over you enough to wear this shirt without thinking where I got it, and for the most part, I did. You would have been happy for me, if you still have the capacity to be happy for me, that I generally passed the day in your shirt without sadly reflecting how it is your shirt. In the words of Charlie Sheen: Winning!
Maybe you can get a sense of my mental and spiritual state that I’m quoting Charlie Sheen for inspiration. I was fine till I saw the photos my sister posted on Facebook of my baby niece, Elizabeth, and, of course, I gotta look, and of course, they are the cutest most beautiful photos I’ve ever seen. And, I’m about to do something I never do, and comment on a Facebook photo, when I see that you have given these photos a ‘like’. And of course all Facebook entries come with your Facebook photo, and isn’t yours a beautiful picture of you cuddling with your new man?
All this is all well in good. I hope you are happy. Truly. This is how I know love is real. After all this time and all this hurt, I hope you are happy. But. I am not happy seeing such a photo right under the cutest photos ever of my baby niece. Why did you declare you like these photos? For my niece? She doesn’t even know you exist! She barely knows I exist! For my sister? No offense, Sweetheart, but, I’m sure she’s over you by now. Did you post it for yourself? Can’t you just like something without letting the entire internet community know about it?
So, then, you must have posted it for me. Are you that cruel? It was hard enough to wear the shirt! I haven’t seen a photo of your face in so long, (I stopped creeping your Facebook page long ago), now, there it is, right under my baby niece, cuddling some other guy. Is this fair? I know you are a good person, that’s why I fell in love with you. I’m not asking you to de-friend my sister; that’s not my business. I am only asking you to have the kindness not to like the photos of my baby niece, at least not while attached to pictures of you making out with some other guy.
I hope you are well and happy with señor El Guapo. Me? I’m usually better than this.
Not knowing how to sign off forever,