The Crazy Ramblings of Charlie Brown

The following is the transcript of Charlie Brown’s infamous rant on Alex Jones’ radioshow.

Alex:  You’re a good man to come on the show, Charlie Brown! I know there’s some things you want to say about some of the things that have been said about you.

Charlie:  People are so mystified by this odyssey that refuses to stop calling itself, “Charlie Brown.”

Alex:  And you’re completely clean?

Charlie:  I can’t completely use the word, ‘clean,’ cause, I hang out with Pig Pen.

Alex:  And congratulations on being sober!

Charlie:  I can’t completely use the word, ‘sober’, cause, good grief! It’s not true!

Alex:  And how are the women?

Charlie:  You mean the goddesses? Lucy, Peppermint Patty and the Little Red Headed Girl? The Little Red Headed Girl won’t give me the time of day; Lucy always pulls back from me, and Peppermint Patty’s a lesbian, so…  losing! I’m O for 3 with marriage, like in baseball, the scoreboard doesn’t lie; losing! I’m tired of pretending my life isn’t terrible and I’m not just losing every second! Look who I’m dealing with! I’m dealing with fools, trolls and blockheads! Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask, “Why me?” Then the voice answers, “Nothing personal… your name just happened to come up.”

Alex:  I remember when we were watching Apocalypse Now together and do you remember what you said?

Charlie:  I said life is like an all day Sucker… Here today and gone tomorrow! Losing! I am Apocalypse Now: I am Brando, but I am also Hopper, all hopped up like I am on losing! You can kill me, but you don’t have the right to judge me. Still losing!

Alex:  Generally, you’re a nice guy, Charlie Brown. But, you said you’re tired of putting up with people pushing you.

Charlie:  I am, but, good frickin’ grief, what can a loser like me do about it! But my motto now is either you love violently or you hate violently and you have to remember to hate everyone who’s not on your baseball team, because, they are going to try and destroy you, and they will come at you in many different forms and creatures, maybe even a dog that plays piano and sees patients, so that even my anxieties have anxieties, but life is like an ice cream cone, you have to learn to lick it! Losing! But, if you love with violence and hate with violence, there’s nothing that can be questioned.

Alex:  What if you hate with violence so much you kill a guy, can that be questioned?

Charlie:  I’ve developed a new philosophy, I only dread one day at a time. That’s the secret to life right there, replace one worry with another. And people say, “Oh, you gotta work through your resentments, yeah! No! I’m going to hang on to them and they’re going to fuel my attack and and they’re going to feel the battlecry of my deadly and dangerous secret and silent soldiers cause he to whom the early bird runs best learns wisdom and knowledge!”

Alex:  Great job being completely sober!

Charlie:  Look, AA has an unsuccessful rate of 95%, I’m at 100% unsuccessful rate, so do the math: losing! For one brief moment today I thought I was winning in the game of life. But there was a flag on the play! I’m not a poor loser, I’m a good loser. I’m so good at it I lose all the time! Losing! I don’t have a ball team, I have a theological seminary!

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