Cloning Jesus

“The Shroud of Turin test came back. Positive. It’s a match. It’s Jesus’s DNA, no question.”

“Really?” Benjamin shot up from his stool. He wasn’t sure if this was good news or not.

“So, we’re going right ahead with cloning.”

“What? Cloning?”

“Of course.”

“You want to clone Jesus?”

“It’s the ultimate thrill of science. The ultimate one-upmanship over religion. Sure, Christ exists, after I’ve mixed him in my test-tube, bitch!”

“I’m not comfortable with trash-talking Jesus.”

“Because you’re Christian.”

“Because I’m not comfortable with this. Have you for a second considered the ramifications of this? Ravi?”

“Have you considered how this will be the biggest breakthrough in science ever, Benjamin?”

“You want to play God. Literally, you want to play God.”

“First, there is no God. Second, if there was, I would want to play him, yes. Sounds like quite the role.”

“I can’t do this. This is not our business. We should be curing cancer, or the common cold, not triggering Armageddon.”

“You’re a brilliant scientist and you’re spooked by the boogeyman? Really, Dr. Lodge?”

“You haven’t read the Bible, you don’t know what’s coming.”

“You should read the Vedas if you want to get crazy. Don’t get all, ‘You haven’t read the Bible,’ on me. I got my share of ghosts and goblin stories in India. You wanna piss yourself, look into the wrath of Kali.”

“Ravi, I’m sorry you couldn’t get behind some religion that talks about monkey gods, guys with elephant heads, and the wrath of Kali, and it made you reject all religion and God, but, you have to understand, for me, Jesus Christ is the Messiah and Savior, and His return marks the coming of the end of the world. I am not about to be a part of that and neither are you.”

And before Ravi could calculate what that meant, Benjamin stabbed him in the throat with a slide-ruler. Before jumping out the window, Benjamin would make sure that the Shroud had been thoroughly burnt to a crisp, its ashes flushed down the toilet.


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