Potpourri Scratch and Sniff (I Smell Snow)

What do you call an Italian guy from Newfoundland who drinks a lot?

        Please send in your punchlines. The best will be posted tomorrow.

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According to my History book, the bottle-opener was invented Apr. 15, 1738. So, what did they do Apr. 14, 1738?

 “Hey, John, you want some wine?”

“Sounds good.”

“Oh, I forgot, we don’t have bottle openers. You want a paper weight?” And aren’t teeth the original bottle opener? Are you telling me teeth weren’t invented until Apr. 15, 1738?

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I went to Asia to find myself. I walked around the streets with a picture of myself, stopping innocent Asians, asking them, excuse me, have you seen this man? Some would look at the picture and then point at me. If only it were that easy, I’d say in a language neither of us understood.

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Cigarettes are the one thing it’s ok to beg for. Begging for food, money, anything good for you is seen as pathetic. But asking to bum a smoke is ok. You want some food cause you’re hungry? Get a job! You want a cigarette? Here, take two. Need a light?

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LET ME HELP YOU HELP ME.

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I gave up golf for Loaned. I’m not Catholic, so I don’t observe Lent. I observe Loaned. It’s like Lent, except God borrows from you. Right now God’s got my golf clubs. It’s easy to give up golf in the snow.

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Did you know, at faster the speed of sound, your ipod plays songs by bands that haven’t even been born yet?

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Food fights in some Asian countries mean killing the thing on your plate before it kills you.

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Who are you to judge what animals get eaten and what are sacred cows? And still, you eat the cows, right in front of the Hindus. Do you know how it looks for a Hindu working at an Indian Restaurant seeing a customer order and then eat one of his deities? You’re dieting on my deity! Do I go in to your church and yank Jesus off the cross and bite off his head? Mmm, this is delicious Baby Jesus backribs, you wanna try one?

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My sister asked me to hide the Easter eggs somewhere hard for her kids to find. So, I hid them in my apartment. They’ll never find them there. I’ve got enough chocolate to last me a month.

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I have a big ego. You would too, if you were me.

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It’s all part of my new book: BROKEN HOME FIXES EVERYTHING: HOW TO MAKE YOUR PARENTS’ DIVORCE WORK FOR YOU. I’m hoping to market it to the Twilight demographic.

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