I admire how women can juggle so many different emotions at the same time. Like, if people were laptops, women would have so many more emotional windows open, while guys would just be looking at porn.
This was illuminated driving my sister to her new apartment. She’s in the passenger seat, crying her heart out, heartbroken, having just broken up with her boyfriend.
Christine: (sobbing) And I don’t know what I’m going to do without him. He’s all I’ve known for five years! I just love him so much. I thought we were going to get married and have- why don’t you get on the DVP, it’s faster- babies together. But, he said he wasn’t sure any more, and he didn’t think he loved- get over in the other lane, it’s coming up- me any more.
How do you do that? Women? How do you go from being emotionally crippled to acting as the car’s GPS? I can’t cry and give directions at the same time. When I’m crying I can’t see! You’re crying over here, giving directions over there, looking out for the fastest onramp, you’re incredible! Women! What is your secret power that allows you to support so many emotions at the same time? At one moment you can go through happiness, sadness, empathy, there’s the grudge you’ve had against the girl who called you a fat slut in grade seven, all in less time than it takes to put on lipstick.
When I’m sad, that’s it, I take it like a man, face down in my pillow punching the shit outta my teddy bear.
“It’s your fault, Bear! You slept with her, too!”
It’s funny the things we keep after the breakup. For the longest time I had kept my ex-girlfriend’s lipstick and pantyhose in my bottom drawer along with her copy of The Communist Manifesto by Karl Marx. For some reason, I just couldn’t bring myself to throw them out, till, it hit me: if I were to die right now, people are going to think I was a cross-dressing pinko. So, I chucked communism and the last scraps of our love life in the trash.