You May Now Punch the Bride

Does anyone here know of a good marriage? Anybody? I’m hearing a lot of silence. I would hope if married, you are happily married. I am rooting for you, rooting for love to carry the day and night. Still, more and more marriages I thought were working broke down into bitter divorce, or worse, a marriage of hate and regret.

I think the problem with marriage is that we always get married on the best day in front of our best friends, with our best man, and have the best party, then go on the best vacation. People will show you pictures of their wedding, people will show you pictures of their honeymoon, but no body ever shows you a picture of the day they get back from the honeymoon, when it counts, when it’s real. Cause there’s nothing to look forward to at that point, and the whole till death do you part starts to sound like the escape clause of the marriage contract.

That’s why I think we should get married in reverse. We should get married on the worst day, in the worst weather, stuck on the subway late for work in front of people that just hate you, in front of people you owe money to. Surrounded by people who stink and stand with their armpits right in your face, jammed in the middle of unwashed commuters. And instead of exchanging rings, you exchange punches in the gut and a kick in the crotch. Then you say the one thing you truly hate about your partner, before you’re both stuck in a hole for a weekend with nothing to eat except your hair and your fingernails and then after three days you’re let out.

If your wedding can survive that, your marriage has got a real shot. After twenty years, then you’re given the wedding and the honeymoon and it’s all paid for by society.

Who’s with me?

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