[Vatican City. Pope’s Office. The Pope sits reading an Archie comic hidden in the inside of The Bible, which he closes as soon as he senses someone approaching. Enter Cardinal St. Louis.]
Cardinal St. Louis: Your Holiness, someone is here to see you.
Pope: Pope busy.
Cardinal St. Louis: He says he is your boss.
Pope: He‘s here?
Cardinal St. Louis: Should I show him in?
Pope: Yes! Yes! Oh My Boss! Send him in!
[Exit Cardinal St. Louis. Pope checks his teeth in a pocket mirror. Satisfied, puts mirror back in pocket, waits handsomely. Cardinal St. Louis reappears, followed by Robert A. Igor.]
Pope: (bowing) My Lord! King of Kings! Saviour to-
Robert A. Igor: Hello, Pope, I’m Robert A. Igor, President and CEO of the Walt Disney Company. It’s nice to meet you.
Pope: Pope confused. This is not Jesus?
Robert A Igor: Robert. Well, Mr. Igor, to you.
Cardinal St. Louis: Your Holiness, Disney just took us over.
Pope: What? We just got taken over by a mouse? So, what? Pope outta work? How out of work Pope gonna get a job in this lousy economy? At my salary? Oh yeah, Pope screwed good.
Robert A. Igor: Wait, not so fast there, Popesy. We just might have a spot for you in Vaticanland.
Pope: As spiritual leader?
Robert A. Igor: Almost. As mascot. Here, try on your new Popey hat.
[Robert A. Igor hands The Pope a Pope hat with Mickey ears.]
Robert A. Igor: Try it on! Looks great! We got big plans for Popey.
Pope: (wearing hat) Pope Popey now?
Robert A. Igor: Exactly! You’re the Mickey of Vaticanland. We’ll get you a Donald Duck, and Goofy, you look pretty goofy, what’s your name?
Cardinal St. Louis: Cardinal St. Louis.
Robert A. Igor: No, you’re Cardinal Goofy. Go out there, they’ve got your costume for you. Go.
[Cardinal St. Louis, drops his head, defeated, exits to go try on his new costume. The Cardinal particularly despises the big floppy shoes he keeps tripping over.]
Robert A. Igor: Oh, and we’ll have to get you a Minnie.
Pope: A minnie what?
Robert A. Igor: A Minnie Mouse.
Pope: Popey don’t understand.
Robert A. Igor: A Minnie Mouse to your Mickey. We need to get you set up with a mate.
Pope: I have a mate, Jesus.
Robert A. Igor: That’s a little gay. I don’t think the Disney Corporation is ready to openly promote that lifestyle at this time. That won’t play in the Bible Belt. We need the Bible Belt, cause, they hold up the Bible pants. No, we’ll get you a woman. Fish.
Pope: A woman fish? What’s that?
Robert A. Igor: We’ll give her long lashes and make her curvy so you’ll know she’s a she.
Pope: Why fish?
Robert A. Igor: Why mouse? That’s what the haters asked Walt all those years ago. Why not fish? Connects the whole Jesus thing a heck of a lot better than a moose. Also, we’ll do a cross-marketing thing with The Little Mermaid. ‘Under the Sea with Popey’, the tune writes itself.
Pope: You lost Popey.
Robert A. Igor: Look, I want to work together with you on this, Popey. I’ll let you help pick the fish. Like I said, we got big plans for Vaticanland! We got the Holy Spirit in the Haunted Mansion. The Hall of Popes, right next to Space Mount Sinai, with a special attraction, the Burning Bush, where the riders will actually get to talk to God. We think that’s gonna be huge.
Popey: And what do Popey do?
Robert A. Igor: You’ll be walking around Vaticanland, getting your picture taken with tourists, blessing them, with a Popey Fun Prayer Service every hour on the twos.
Popey: That’s a lot of prayer!
Robert A. Igor: That’s a big reason they’ll be coming to Vaticanland, that, and Pirates of the First Corinthians. So, are we in business?
Pope: At what terms?
Robert A. Igor: Let’s not get all termsy now, Your Popiness. I’m sure we’ll come to an agreement that you’ll be thrilled with.
Pope: Thrilled. Takes miracle to thrill Popey.
Robert A. Igor: [singing] When you pray upon a star/ makes no difference who you are/ anything your heart desires/ will come to you.
Pope: Popey loves Pinocchio.
Robert A. Igor: Of course you do, same story as Jesus. Born by miracle, to a father that really wasn’t his father, carpenter, lotta parallels.
Popey: Maybe Disney work miracles.
Robert A Igor: Come, let’s go find your fish and your miracle.
[Exit Robert A. Igor with arm around Popey.]