Escape Clause to the Marriage Contract

I’m 36 and never married. I was thinking maybe part of my fear of marriage is the marriage contract itself. I think it’s time to renegotiate. I was thinking that if we approached marriage like we do job interviews, we might just negotiate ourselves a little more happiness.


Sally: Please come in, Mr. Park. Have a seat. Now, you are applying for the position of Executive Vice Husband?

John: Yes, I am.

Sally: And these references are all ex-wives and girlfriends?

John: And my mother.

Sally: Tell me, why do you want this marriage?

John: I want to work in a mutually beneficial relationship and I saw your ad in Now magazine and this marriage sounded like a good fit.

Sally: What can you bring to this marriage?

John: Responsiblity. I’m very organized and punctual. I never forget a birthday or anniversary.

Sally: What would your last wives say about you?

John: They would say I’m a great problem solver, good at thinking outside the box. I know that there’s more to the marriage than just what’s inside the box.

Sally: So, why did you leave your last marriages?

John: All of my previous marriages were for limited contracts. When the contracts expired, neither party desired to renew.

Sally: But, the breakups were amicable?

John: Besides a very minor chainsaw attack by one of my ex-wives, all were amicable, yes.

Sally: Where do you see yourself in five years?

John: Happily married to you, fully committed to a successful codependence.

Sally: Ok, do you have any questions or me?

John: Yes, what are the hours?

Sally: Regular 24-7 hours, this is a full time marriage you’re applying for. We do offer two weeks off in the summer.

John: And the marriage offers incentives and promotion?

Sally: Yes, we like to promote in-house. If we like your work, you could move up to Chief Financial  Officer, where we give you a company credit card.

John: And how soon will I know if I get the marriage?

Sally: We’re still interviewing candidates. We should know in two weeks. Are you under deadline?

John: I’ve had other offers I’m considering.

Sally: So, what would you do if you don’t get this marriage?

John: I’m resourceful; I’m confident I can take my skills to another marriage.

Sally: Thank you for coming in today. I think we’ve got a good assessment of your credentials.

John: Nice meeting you.


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