There’s this guy, right, named, Wrong. Wrong was the right name for him, cause, he was wrong all the time. Wrong found his rightful place among a short list of world class idiots. He belonged to Table, a group contra to Mensa; Mensa required an I.Q. of 140, Table required that you picked your nose and ate it. Wrong wrongly blamed his dog, Parakeet, for his wrongness, when he should have been blaming his parents who had given him a name that he did his best to live down to. He did a great job, cause, as I’ve mentioned, Wrong was wrong all the time.
(Sorry, this is not fair to you, Reader, but, I’ve been instructed that this can be no longer than 400 words, so, we’ve gotta make a choice right now where this goes. Do you want to read about the day Wrong choked on his own elbow, or the day of his enlightenment? Think your choice: elbow or enlightenment, and I’ll meet you in the next paragraph.)
The day of Wrong’s enlightenment came when (psst- if you wanted/expected the choking on elbow story, sorry, but, I’m not sorry for making you believe in make-believe) he was seventeen and he was playing baseball, his favorite sport. He was a liability to every team he joined. Anyway, this night, championship game, the coach is drunk again and thinks it would be be funny to have Wrong pinch-hit for the star batter.
Miracle of miracles, Wrong does something right, making contact with the ball, and proceeds to run after it, to help the other team he feels he’s unfairly taken advantage of. Wrong chases down the ball, tackling the left fielder to get it, tagging himself out.
His team runs on the field, bombarding him with every punch, kick, everything from out of the equipment bag, including a headless chicken some geek had left behind.
His coach pulls him out from the pile of players pummeling Wrong, pats him on the back and in his drunken wisdom, tells him, “If you’d done right, you’d be denying who you are.”
For the first time in his life, Wrong takes a step back to consider something, smiles, and thinking he’s quoting Exodus, says, “I am what I am and that’s all that I am, I’m Popeye the sailor man.”
Which of course is wrong.